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Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it Dinah

Posted by fairywings on January 21, 2006, at 23:13:57

In reply to Re: T said to keep depression as long as I want it fairywings, posted by Dinah on January 21, 2006, at 21:31:54

Thanks Dinah,

I put this at the beginning bec. I wonder if this is key, maybe not.

>>If it's not about being burned out, wouldn't it then be about frustration, or anger or something?

His "story" is eerily identical to mine and I've wondered whether it affects the way he treats me or the way he feels about me/my issues - Abusive fathers, same # of siblings, he was the oldest, I was the youngest, two abused kids/two not abused kids (we were both abused), tormented mother - except his got anxious, mine got bitter. After he heard my story, he shared with me enough of his that it made me wonder if it was too close and he can't deal effectively with me bec. of it. I've also wondered whether he projects onto me bec. he's said he can't stand to listen to his mother talk about her anxiety (which I didn't think was helpful for him to tell me), he said he leaves when she starts. Of course anxiety is one of my biggest problems. He hears it from me all the time. Was he really trying to tell me he can't stand to listen to me talk about my anxiety? My father died a few years ago, but his father had been ill ever since I started with him, and he just died. He went back and forth on the way he approached my feelings about my father. It was incredibly frustrating for me. Now we just don't talk about it.

I have been feeling like I have be a better client bec. I feel guilty not feeling the way I'm "supposed" to feel. Maybe by next week I'll feel better; maybe I can go and tell him that I feel like I can't be honest bec. he's telling me to just fake it until I feel happier. So I feel like I have to be that happier person when I'm in my appts. even if I don't feel happy.

You know I didn't put my finger on it b4 you said this, but he's been all over the place at several appts, not been consistent in what he says to me. Or, he's one way at one appt. and then pulls a total 180 at the next appt. It's confusing and frankly it can be really hurtful. If I go back maybe I'll write out all the mixed messages from the past two appts. I keep almost verbatim notes, so I can think about what he's said to me.

He has said he's not CBT, so when he's done the CBT thing with me it's frustrating. I feel like it's a band-aid solution; like it trivializes the problem, or masks whatever it is that's eating me. I did CBT years ago after a car accident, and it didn't address some big issues. Now I feel like it's compounded other problems I have now, esp. with anxiety. (I was hit by an 18-wheeler, and sometimes have panic attacks on the highway, esp when it's really heavy traffic.)

>> My response tends to be sarcastic and rejecting. ("Oh thanks. I hadn't realized that. I'm all better now.")

**LOL, that's too funny dinah. I've felt that way, but never articulated it. There were times with my ex T where he pissed me off so badly it spurred me into action despite him, but it didn't change the underlying feelings. I don't feel motivated by any of this current stuff, I just feel depleted.

> Walking away is one option. Telling him how you feel and what conclusions you're forming is another.

I know the better way is to face it, but I'm just embarrassed and humiliated, and I don't know if I can do it. I usually run and avoid.

> You know that some of what you're thinking is truth, but some of it might be stuff you're building on to what you know for sure. You know he's stressed. You might be adding that you're a burden to him.

**Yep, that's what I've concluded, a burden and a pain in the *ss.

> The only question is whether it's worth a session or two to try to figure it out. I guess that depends on a lot of things.

**You're right, I guess the determining factor for me this week will be whether I'm brave enough to face him or not.

thanks dinah, you make things so much more clear, and get me to think about things I hadn't considered.




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