Posted by antigua on January 11, 2006, at 9:54:45
I've been thinking about this for a couple of days, after I had a horrendous experience that should have ended me up in the ER, but since I didn't call my T or Pdoc I didn't think of going on my own. A very bad reaction to Antabuse and drinking a couple of drinks. Very stupid.
In any case, I really like my T, she has been wonderful to me for the past 15 years, but I don't think I've ever truly broken through to trusting her completely. Like, why didn't I call her when I had this episode? Why didn't I call her after? I think I was protecting her, which led me to think of my mother.
I've always been the perfect daughter, protecting my mother always, but I've always had my worst downward spirals after I've seen her, as if I can hold it together when I'm with her, but all the pain (and probably anger, which I never express toward her) has to pour out afterward. She was always abandoning me when I was young and she freely admits she turned my brother and I over to my father for primary care when my youngest sibling was born and was very sick.
I've never told her what he did to me, for two reasons really: 1) I'm afraid of what it will do to her and 2) it ruined her relationship with my brother when he confronted her over his own sa (by someone different, not our father). He blamed her for not protecting him. They are working their way back toward a better relationship, but I don't want to go through that with her.
But I've been thinking. I haven't been able to break through w/my T because I've always been protecting her. Just a repeat pattern.
In any case, I'm going to visit my mother at the end of the month for four days and I'm thinking of telling her about my father. Not in an accusatory way, but so that there aren't any secrets anymore. I won't blame her, I just want her to know, to relieve my own burden. Selfish, yes, but I'm afraid of doing even more damage to myself if I don't.
The first question of course is what do I expect from her? I'm hoping that if I don't attack, she won't retaliate w/hate and cut me out of her life as she has w/some of my other siblings. It's complicated.
I have several weeks, and T sessions, to go before I see my mother so I'll have a chance to work it out w/my T. I told her today.
So what do you guys think? Is it better to let sleeping dogs lie?
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:597911
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/597911.html