Posted by muffled on January 5, 2006, at 9:23:04
In reply to Re: I did the work, posted by Susan47 on January 5, 2006, at 0:07:19
> Totally, I know that and it just hurts and I don't know why it hurts, because of COURSE he doesn't want a relationship with me, never has and never would, and I understand that so clearly on an intellectual level, AND emotionally I know it and have always known and understood it. From the beginning, from the very first. Which is why him looking at me in a sexual way just felt so terrible, so bad, and wrong, and hurt from the first but I didn't know it. I felt so attached to him at that point already, he had absolutely no idea.
***Hi, its Muffled here. I am trying to understand. What does 'looking at you in a sexual way' mean?
> I mean, maybe he did, before I even told him all this obsessional stuff I had running through my head. Don't you know that I TOLD him exactly how I felt right off the bat, as soon as I knew how I felt, which is that loving sh*t patients get for their therapists, I told him exactly how it felt. But I can't erase what happened after that,
**WHAT happened?. Sorry if I missed that part? But it seems rather important.
I keep calling trying to make it better, trying to make him trust me again and trying to trust him back and I can't, nothing will get the trust back ever again and it HURTS god damn it because I just wanted him to see me as a special person, NOT another patient in there obsessing and putting her t*ts on show.
**Yeah. People can sure hurt other people all right.
Did you literally show him your nakedness?
> Which is how he saw me. And I want to stop him seeing that. I'm not his wife, I'm not his partner, I'm not even his friend. I was his patient and I wanted that and I moved out of that into a different role, I carried a sexual role as soon as I saw him look at me that way.
> Don't you get it?
> Doesn't ANYBODY get it?
**I think we are trying very hard to get it. Mebbe you could just send him this last post of yours and call it a day. It seems to pretty much explain your position and what else can you do? Mebbe another T to try and help you thru this? Meds are ok too. They are helping me over a rough patch. I think. I hope.
Take care Susan 47. I'm sorry you are hurting. I have read your posts and you seem real nice.