Posted by fallsfall on November 29, 2005, at 8:17:50
The other day my therapist said that it felt like I wanted him to punish me. I was just miserable that day, and completely avoiding whatever it was that I needed to talk about. I couldn't form the ideas in my head - my unconscious was working very hard to make me avoid.
Then I was unable to clean my house for my daughter's Thanksgiving visit. She is allergic to dog hair, and I like to have my house cleaner than average for her benefit. But I stood in the middle of the floor looking at the dog hair, unable to put the vacuum together. And it felt like I wanted HER to punish me.
So I journalled. Why did I want to be punished? What was it that I did wrong? I decided that what I've done wrong is that I've wasted the last 10 years of my life by being depressed. Those years were important to my kids, and I let them down. I have very little patience for not doing things right the first time. I don't allow myself to need to learn things - I should know them to begin with (after all, I'm "smart", right?). So, from my perspective, I have done a terrible thing by being depressed for 10 years. If I can overcome the depression now, why couldn't I do that 10 years ago?
So what does this have to do with cleaning my house? Having my daughter be proud of me may be the most important thing in the world for me. If I can't get my house cleaned, then she will have pity for me ("Poor Mom, she still can't do everyday things"). So *not* allowing myself to do the things I need to do in order for her to be proud of me *is* punishment. This is the way that I am punishing myself.
So what now? Now I need to learn to forgive myself for the last 10 years. Logicially I can understand that I didn't know what to do to get better, that I tried my hardest to figure it out, that I worked hard in therapy. I would be able to tell someone else that they had done what they could. I need to tell this to myself. And (surprisingly) I am allowing myself to tell myself that I should forgive. That I was not "bad" because I couldn't overcome this before. That it is reasonable for me to need to learn things (that is the hardest part for me).
As my therapist said, it is preposterous for me to punish myself for being depressed by being depressed.
So, Racer, this is why *I* can't get anything done.
poster:fallsfall
thread:583292
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/583292.html