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Re: you are going to follow your transference » happyflower

Posted by alexandra_k on November 27, 2005, at 15:15:12

In reply to I am going to follow my heart, posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 12:54:48

> Yes, I have feelings for my T and I believe he has feelings for me also. It is very clear to see them, I am not delusional, I am not just wishful thinking either. I am a very realistic person, and don't live in a fantasy world.

That might well be the case. But... We aren't compelled to act on feelings that we have - are we?

> We all know about the bad client therapist relationships that have happened, but I am sure we don't know as much about the positive ones either.

That may well be true. But then if they did work out... Wouldn't you think that people would come and post about it here?

> If this kind of thing didn't happen, there wouldn't be rules about it. This isn't anything new.

Yeah, it happens. And the reason why there are rules about it is because it tends to end badly. There are similar rules about doctors and patients, about teachers and students, and about church leaders and members of the congregation. What do these have in common? One person is in a position of POWER or AUTHORITY and hence... Transference feelings develop.

> I believe we were meant to be together, whether friends or something more.

Ah. Destiny or fate. No point trying to resist that then...

> We do share a special bond, it is very evident. These feelings are not just one sided.

Okay. Lets suppose that is true. That doesn't mean you have to act on it.

> But what you don't know is what you can't see. A women knows when a man is in love with them, they can't hide it.

Okay, so lets suppose he is in love with you...
So what? You still don't have to act on it.

> As far as his marriage and mine, it isn't my job to respect his marriage, it is his job.

Do you really believe this?
I have had relationships with married men.
Thats how I justified it too.
Try to remember that when his wife / his kids see you in the street one day and you get the inevitable 'homewrecker' compliment.

But its okay because you guys are in love and are destined to be together... No point fighting destiny...

> I am not just a love sick teenager, I am a grown women in my late 30's who has been married for over 12 years now, and have two kids. I know what real love is, I have had it in my life.

And how much does that 12 years mean to you,
How much are you thinking of your husband and your children when you are prepared to throw that all away just like that?

> I didn't enter therapy because I was totally screwed up person, I have lived a very normal adult life.

So why were you in therapy again?

> he can't do real damage to me, if I was okay to begin with.

Sorry, but that is not true, that is not true at all.

> I don't think he would be attracted to me if I wasn't somewhat level headed and was totally screwed up.

You might want to believe that, but have you ever heard of a little thing called a 'rescue fantasy'? Because that typically is what is going on when therapists / doctors / teachers / church leaders get too involved...

> Yes, I could get hurt, but you can get hurt by anyone in any relationship.

But how messed up are you going to feel if things end badly and you end up feeling used and abused and like you threw away your 12 years of marriage for someone who took advantage of your transference feelings? I imagine... That will mess you up very much indeed. And you will have major issues with abuse of trust thereafter.

> But I just can't let this chance of real happiness to pass me by because client and therapist relationships are taboo.

Any thoughts on WHY it is taboo???

> I didn't believe in soul mates , until now that I feel it.

Think your way back...
Did you ever feel that for your husband?
Therapy...
A very intense relationship.
He focuses all his attention on you for the time when you are with him.
You are the sole object of his concern.
Your welfare is the only thing on the agenda.
Who wouldn't fall in love under those circumstances?
But if you think that can be sustained in the real world...
Fact is that it can't.
Sorry... But the world doesn't work that way.


If you are determined about this...
I would suggest you go about this appropriately.
The guidelines are there for a reason.
To stop people acting on transference which can be really very harmful and destructive, ultimately.
If you really are determined to do this...
I would suggest...

1) He can't be your therapist anymore. So... You need to terminate. You can't see him in therapy any more. In fact, you can't see him at all for two years.

2) You should probably find yourself another therapist to talk through some of this stuff (there shouldn't be a problem here because he hasn't done anything unethical). And you probably have stuff to work on? Or perhaps you think he has cured you already?

3) Write him or phone him or something. Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you want to be with him... And give him your number so he can call you in two years if he is still interested. And then... You can catch up if you still feel interested in him too.

If you are meant to be together...
Then surely you will still be meant to be together in two years.

Good luck.

 

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poster:alexandra_k thread:582451
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/582733.html