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Re: Sup Poet? » muffled

Posted by Poet on November 11, 2005, at 16:54:58

In reply to Sup Poet?, posted by muffled on November 9, 2005, at 22:11:48

Hi Muffled,

I can't seem to distract myself from negative thoughts. I'm dragging myself to water aerobics, trying to do chi gong videos, read books, watch movies.

What do I enjoy doing? Ripping myself apart. Ripping other people apart behind their backs. T says I send out negative karma and that's what I get back. I am a very civil poster, so maybe I should just quit therapy, go off meds and just post all the time?

T says I stay in therapy and I don't go completely off meds because I don't want to be stuck in my self hatred rut forever. That she sees me differently than I see myself. That I would say what I am in a sentance, and she would say it in a paragraph. She'd agree with what I say, but I'd agree with what she says.

Problem is for every *you are intelligent, you are (insert positive thing here.)* I can come up with 10 negative things to counteract it. I am in that negative rut at full speed and going nowhere.

Maybe Dr. Clueless was right about trying a little bit of an antipsychotic to slow down the thoughts. What would make a *different* thing like me feel different about herself?

It doesn't look like it will be a job that uses my brain. Then again courage turned to stupidity and I have an interview next week. Not quit the ideal job, but closer. Maybe. T says that I need to base my self esteem on something else. That bashing myself and getting depressed by blaming myself when I don't really know why I don't get jobs is not the answer. She asked what I would do if (at least she avoided *when*) I don't get this job. Can I tell myself it wasn't my fault? I tried my best? I said, I don't think I can do that. That's when we got into the stuck in the rut.

I am feeling better. That's positive right? Even though it's probably the job interview. I need to stop this. But how?

Poet

 

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