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Re: It almost feels like my duty » orchid

Posted by Tamar on November 11, 2005, at 16:03:15

In reply to It almost feels like my duty, posted by orchid on November 11, 2005, at 11:26:41

> But it almost feels like a duty to give in to my dad. I am getting all the old feelings back. I used to feel it was my duty to satisfy my father. He never used to like my mom and didn't get what he wanted from her. I almost served as his substitute, and I felt I was obliged to meet his demands. Even now, it feels like a cruel thing to do to him if I ask him to stop. But rationally atleast now I realize what a horrible thing it is if I let him continue with it. I will end up killing myself. But also I feel like, "Oh what will he do if he can't hug me? He will be devastated". But I know it is not right.

Yeah, the duty thing. I think it’s very common in people who have been abused as kids.

What will he do if he can’t hug you? He’ll have to find some appropriate ways of gratifying his needs and desires. Like maybe trying to have a better relationship with your mother… Maybe he’ll be devastated at first, but he’ll get used to it. And it won’t do him any damage. Actually, it might be good for him to be placed in a position of looking to his marriage for the sort of comfort he seems to find in his physical relationship with you.

> I feel so embarassed at myself for allowing this for so long. Why didn't I realize or stop it after 20 or 21? Why did I let it continue even after I was an adult? I kept thinking it was harmless and not sexual - but I did have serious doubts and felt uncomfortable.

I think it’s very difficult to make profound changes to a relationship, especially if the other person in the relationship is able to exercise a great deal of power over you. That’s probably why you didn’t find ways of making it stop sooner.

And even if it isn’t/wasn’t overtly sexual touch, it is still touch with sexual overtones… which makes it very confusing.

I like Dinah’s suggestions about how to tell him. And I reckon the book that Ally mentions would probably be useful, if you can get hold of it. Another possibility might be "Boundary Issues by Jane Adams" – I haven’t read it, but I’ve heard good things about it.

The fact is, you’ve already told him, so telling him again is hard, but at least it won’t be the first time he’s heard it. If you tell him, he may try to persuade you that you don’t really mean it. But you’re a strong woman; stick to your guns and insist that it makes you uncomfortable and that he must stop.

I know it’s difficult to do, though…

Tamar


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