Posted by Tamar on November 8, 2005, at 19:17:51
In reply to Re: Its the chewing of my guts...endless » Tamar, posted by muffled on November 8, 2005, at 15:16:01
> *I think my T. has tried to do the same with me. But sometimes I think I must ahve brain damage or resistance or something. Cuz I just ahve the worst time trying to figger out whats going on with me. Its like I can't see myself, or understand myself. I'm so confused. Sometimes we'll go thru the list I've tried to make, and it all makes sense. But it doesn't really help. I don't know why.
I think it takes a long time. And resistance can be part of it. Sometimes it’s easier to resist than to face things head-on. I know I’ve done plenty of resistance. I still resist (which is why I’m avoiding going back to therapy…)
> I'm glad to hear you still SI (isn't that awful!!!!!!!!), but really it makes me feel better cuz you're pretty smart and all, so maybe I'm not so bad either. Am I making sense?Sometimes at appts. I sort of blank out some and miss stuff too.
Oh, I don’t think it’s awful to feel glad that other people have similar experiences. It makes us feel more normal when we realise that other people do the same kinds of things and feel the same sorts of stuff. But I don’t think being smart has anything to do with it. Besides which... I can tell that you *are* smart. So don’t put yourself down! I like the way you use language… you have a very poetic way of expressing yourself sometimes.
About blanking out in therapy… it sounds a bit like dissociation to me. Possibly because you’re very uncomfortable with the discussion? On the other hand, you might just be tired and finding the whole thing too intense to concentrate. Have you talked about it with your T?
> May I ask if you ever figgered out why you are the way you are? Boy am I ever glad you didn't go to jail. What sort of things really set you off? Or is that not a good thing to ask? How is it that talking makes it go away?
I’m not sure why I am the way I am. For a while I thought there might be some unremembered trauma in my childhood. Now I’m not so sure (although I think it’s true for some people). I’m coming to the conclusion that I was quite emotionally sensitive as a kid, and things that other people seem to deal with easily enough were very problematic to me. But I’m still uncertain… There were some obvious traumas in my teens (sexual assaults and some weird stuff involving my father). But I can’t entirely understand why, for example, I routinely dissociated during sex from the very first time I was sexually active….
The things that set me off most are arguments with my husband. Not all arguments, but arguments that take on a huge significance for me: when I think he absolutely doesn’t understand me or just doesn’t love me. Of course, I know he does love me. But sometimes I’m just so afraid he doesn’t really love me. Sometimes I’m afraid my love for him makes no difference to him.
Talking usually makes it better because I realise that (for example) if he wants to watch football on TV instead of talking to me, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. It just means he wants to watch football for a couple of hours. After that, I can have his attention again. I don’t *usually* feel hurt when he watches football; actually, I usually like watching football too. But every now and then I find that something else is going on with me; maybe if I’ve been triggered by something on the news about sexual violence. And then I find it helps if I can talk about it: if I can say to him that I need his attention more than usual because I’ve felt triggered… rather than feeling desperately hurt because he would rather watch football than chat. And he’s getting good at understanding when I’m very anxious so maybe he’ll reassure me and perhaps we end up watching football snuggled up together… It’s just an example, but that’s the kind of thing that happens with me. It’s all about throwing all my feelings at him and expecting him to understand, and if he doesn’t understand I feel destroyed…
About the jail thing… I mentioned that because if I don’t SI, sometimes I feel violent urges towards other people. I SI instead because it seems more acceptable to turn those feelings of rage towards myself. I guess the best thing is to talk about those feelings rather than acting on them… Easier said than done, though.
> Guess you kinda sorry you said I could ask you anything eh!!!!
Nah… I don’t mind answering questions. If I wasn’t prepared to do it, I wouldn’t be posting…
> Thanks!!! Some for you too, thanks, ((((Tamar))))
Thanks for the hugs! I’m glad you’re feeling more comfortable with them.
Hugs to you too.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:576216
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/576864.html