Posted by daisym on October 27, 2005, at 19:04:24
This is a long update on the ongoing saga of my therapy...
Most of you know that I haven't really clicked with my pdoc. And since I've been seriously depressed the past month or so, my therapist has been increasingly concerned that I'm on the wrong medications. I did go back and see Ms. pdoc and she added in zanax for anxiety. Yes, well...a week ago Friday I went so far south that I left a good-bye message of sorts for my therapist and had every intention of following through. A number of things got in the way, including him getting the message much sooner than I anticipated, but once the panic was over and safety re-established, we walked back through the triggers to try and figure out how I ended up where I did. It was only the second time I'd taken the zanax so it became our prime suspect.Fast forward to this week. My therapist did what he almost never does and got pushy. He set up things with a new pdoc, and even talk to him first before I went. (He had my permission of course.) I met the new guy yesterday and he is very nice and pretty creative. I'd done some research (thanks Racer) and he agreed that a change was necessary. He also said "no more zanax" just because I seem to react badly to anti-anxiety meds by themselves. Near as we can figure out, I need to be anxious about suicide so as not to go there. Makes sense in a really weird way. What I liked best about the new pdoc was that he took a whole hour with me, even though he had most of my history from my therapist and he made it a point to say he doesn't work with people unless he is doing therapy for them or works closely with their therapist. But he also said he doesn't interfere with the therapy, except to cover if the therapist needs to be gone or something. He talked a lot about being a team, how to reach him for both regular and emergency things and what his philosophy about feelings were. Not medications...feelings. (Yes, he is a trauma specialist.) He didn't ask invasive questions about the abuse, just the extent of the flashbacks, etc. He understood about being in parts and pieces and even asked me how old I felt during our session. (Yes, I totally lied. I don't know him well enough to admit feeling 7!) What really surprised me was when he asked: "how worried do I need to be about you?" OK, I just met this guy, why on earth would he care about me? He knows I have a good therapist, etc. I was just so impressed that he was asserting himself as "MY doctor" after only an hour. I'm supposed to call him next week and go back in a month. And he was calling my therapist to keep him in the loop too. I'm starting to think I might like this guy.
Today I went and met with my priest, again at my therapist's urging. Church has always been the place I found peace but lately it is such an emotional experience for me. I end up in tears so I've been avoiding it. And I don't talk to God much. We talk about this in therapy on and off -- my therapist thinks this is a really important part of who I am and an important source of strength. He uses it against me sometimes, "suicide is a sin" -- I always respond, "you are Jewish, you don't believe that!" His response is: "but you do..." (Yes, I've said it is unfair and he always says everything is fair when it comes to keeping you alive. *sigh*) It was hard for me to say to Father Steve, "I think God has deserted me." His answer was, "He hasn't. But you have every right to be mad at him. So I think you should get mad -- really mad --- and tell him when you talk to him. Don't hide behind structured prayers, go ahead and yell at God." I was totally in shock. This is NOT what I expected him to say. He also talked about therapy and was very pleased that I was going "a lot" and he was thrilled that a psychologist would send me to talk to him. He said, "you've got a good one." :) The other thing that surprised me was that Father Steve told me I need more fun things in my life, I need to sleep more (he suggested medications) and it would be OK to take a break from Church for awhile if I needed to. He said just remember that God won't really ever leave you. I cried and cried. He wants me to come back and see him in a couple of weeks to check in.
I had therapy this afternoon and we talked about the new team members. I admitted to being scared that pushing me to these new people meant he was pushing me away. He was really quiet and then he said, "I needed more links in the chain of the life line I keep throwing you. But I'm still the one at the end with my hands out." It made me cry but I'm so glad! And when I worried about pulling him under with me, he said, "think of me as a beach ball. Impossible to keep under. We just need to get the safety ring around you."
So, I guess I'm "bad enough" to need a team now. But it feels OK, like they are all working together. My therapist also reminded me that I've always found Babble to be a source of support too, so not to isolate from you guys either. It is true -- I just hope this wasn't too long of a post to come back with.
Hugs to all!
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:572485
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051025/msgs/572485.html