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Re: Susan:Hi, A Bit at a time now

Posted by allisonross on October 25, 2005, at 13:57:04

In reply to Re: Hi, A Bit at a time now, posted by Susan47 on October 21, 2005, at 20:26:36

>Hi, Susan, sweetie: I totally relate-- I started to flip flop between loving, feeling foolish, feeling rejected, feeling desperate, and hating me then him, then loving him, then hating him. It was horrible. It was sick. I said so, I remember telling his answering machine.
> And I don't know what he thought. I know I felt crazy. C-r-a-z-y. I have ALWAYS been crazy (LOL), so i didn't have far to go! The reason I started to hate him (recently, after being with him for 3 years), is that he is (hate to say it, but I can see reality, even tho people call me a "fairy-child"----I can see both sides....he is doing what is called "sexual exploitation"---we both flirt and tease outrageously (I am allowed to do that, cause I am the client), and as he says, he knows he is supposed to keep the boundaries. he gets to "play" (no kissing or sex or anything like that, but not that I am not wanting that, even tho I know about the ramifications) with me, and then (makes me furious) gets to go home to his wife he is "Deeply in love with"--His words.......when i told him (last year) I thought he had feelings for me also........I notice, he DIDN'T answer my question. I believe (not because I need/want to) that he DOES love me, because of all of the things he has said (not the silly teasy things)> Allison, please do not let this happen to you, no matter what, don't start to feel crazy like I did. I am afraid it already has; I have managed to not be all over him like a cheap suit (LOL) for a whole freaking 3 years for crying out loud. I think it is so ironic. I (underline the word, I) am the client, and I maintain the boundaries; HE is the t, and crosses them. What is wrong with this picture!? He and I have done some fantastic work (I went to him cause my church voted me out of a 31-year membership because i got a divorce); so am alone now for the 1st time in 31 years (the only fear I ever really had...was that of being alone/abandoned, and is!! I am doing (amazingly!) well, but going home allone, after t has teased me nearly to death (emotionally, sexually...double entendres, etc) is very painful, not to mention FRUSTRATION!! We had a long conversation about stuff (not the stuff he is doing; not ready to go there yet), and he said "I don't want to hurt you." I sat on the floor (instead of the couch one night), only a few days after the divorce, he got up without a word, and sat next to me (not touching), but of course I told him later, that I just wanted to lean against me and have him hold me...a normal feeling; given that I love him.... I think that is one of the most empathic, beautiful things he ever did..anyway i could go on forever what has gone between us, but will stop here. I can e-mail you privately (not sure I would post some of the stuff; don't feel comfortable doing that as yet)
> So having said that, have fun hile you can. :)...Thanks, sweetie; I am having fun, but at the sme time, a LOT of pain...unrequited love...always is...I just have to live with it, until I get the strength or courage t leave (don't see it happening anytime soon)....Hugs, Ally (




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