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Re: Well, apparently I have poor tolerance

Posted by Dinah on October 21, 2005, at 19:31:23

In reply to Re: Well, apparently I have poor tolerance Dinah, posted by alexandra_k on October 21, 2005, at 18:35:28

> > That's the conclusion of T2 and T3 both shared in the second meeting.
> > It's not like T1 hasn't told me this a million times. It's just that it's easier for me to tell him to go take a flying leap...
> > So I suppose there's a consensus. :)
>
> Or... That makes it three against one.

Hmmm... You've got a point there. Ok, I partially agree because I'd like to use more productive distractions like work, rather than costly ones like enthusiasms, or unpleasant ones like obsessive fears. My mind just seems to make the less productive choices without my control. Or maybe the earnest "good" choices don't offer sufficient distraction.

And the consensus isn't total.

T1 has seen me through far more destructive distractions than the ones I use now, and is happy at incremental improvement. He feels sort of resignedly frustrated trying for more. And he has learned that acceptance works best with me, because if he can reach the right level of acceptance, I'll try to change myself. But he accepts me whether or not I do. And I think maybe he's given up expecting me to do much better, and is happy enough for me to do as well as I can.

T2 appeared to outright disapprove.

T3 seems to think I could do better, but appears to have a certain level of amused acceptance of my strength of will - so far at least.

So the consensus feels a lot different, other than the basic thought that I don't tolerate pain well.

And I don't really get that. It seems like I tolerate pain all the time, or at least enough of it that I shouldn't be accused of that so much.

Like, part of it was in terms of sexuality. It's true that I don't like to have more sex than I need to because it hurts on many levels. But it's also true that I have as much sex as I need to, so that my husband isn't really aware of the extent of the problem. So is the problem that I need to tolerate pain in sex, or anxiety in sex, or whatever she thinks it is?

> > I'm supposed to add to my self soothing repertoire, though for me it's hard to distinguish self soothing from distraction, except one is admired and the other disapproved of.
>
> I think that both should be admired!

Sigh. I thought so too. I seem to remember some textbook or something that had the types of coping mechanisms and their maturity level. I thought distraction was thought of as in the more mature level along with humor and whatever else.

And... I'm not altogether sure I do use distraction to avoid issues. I think I tend to use it to reduce my arousal level to where I *can* go back and look at what upset me in a more productive way.

And I'm not sure why that would be wrong?

In your levels of emotion, I would say that I get hit with the physiological level of emotion, and since that is what it is, I distract to reduce the physiological arousal.

Then I look with more objectivity at the situation, thus changing what I can of the secondary level of emotion.

And what they seem to be saying is that it is wrong to do that. That it is somehow "right" to bear the physiological arousal. I'm just not sure why that's supposed to be morally superior. Or even more helpful.

 

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