Posted by daisym on October 7, 2005, at 20:27:01
In reply to p.s., posted by antigua on October 7, 2005, at 11:50:08
I'm sorry you feel so hopeless. Hopeless to ever integrate all this stuff or hopeless to feel better? Or to really remember?
I sometimes feel like you do. I just can't believe this man I loved so much did these things. And I think I'm responsible. I don't, however, have transference issues with men because no one gets to get close to knowing me or what I need. Being needy is so dangerous -- all the little girls inside me know that.
I'm at a place where I'm wondering what therapy is supposed to be doing for me right now. Do you ever wonder that? It sounds like you think you've done as much work on the csa as you can with your therapist but she helps stabalize you and keep you functioning most of the time...is that true?
Perhaps a new approach is needed, not a new therapist. Perhaps looking at why you want to know certain things, or what questions you have would be productive. Can you write a conversation with your dad -- list all the questions you would like to ask but never could? The questions that are hanging around might prove to be the key to what you are really longing for.
All that said, the ultimate question, "why did this happen?" is unanswerable and mourning that and then accepting this is truly the hardest part of the work.
Last year you made a lot of progress reaching inside and finding parts of your youngerself -- a hurt little girl and one who is furious. Are these parts still hanging around? It seems that it would be useful, though scary, to let them have a voice with your therapist and figure out what they want and need. I know that you had a bad experience with this, so be careful. But if one of these frozen parts is holding onto all the pain, how else are you going to release it unless you let her talk?
I wish we lived close so we could have a support group and play date. (((Antigua))))
But at least I'm here in some way for you. Don't forget that.
poster:daisym
thread:564046
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051001/msgs/564281.html