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Re: hm... Ľ Shortelise

Posted by Tamar on September 27, 2005, at 5:19:40

In reply to Re: hm... Ľ Tamar, posted by Shortelise on September 26, 2005, at 22:09:17

> It's not only with him that I feel unattractive, but with all men. I no longer use my sexuality as I once did. I never flirt with my T, would be embarrassed if I did so on an unconscious level. I rarely flirt with anyone. I am afaid of being pathetic.

I used to use my sexuality all the time too. But now I only flirt when Iíve been drinking and then I feel really embarrassed the next day. I never used to feel embarrassed about using my sexuality. I donít know if itís because Iím older, or fatter, or because Iíve been married for several years. But Iím afraid people will think Iím disgusting.

> Jewellry as love. There's a concept. Maybe I do have love and sex all confused, though not as far as my relationship with my husband goes.

Well, love and sex quite often go together :)

> Do I feel that I can't be loved by a man without an element of sexuality to things?

Thatís a really interesting question. I have a few gay friends who love me and thereís no sexual element to it. But I find it really hard to imagine being loved by a straight man without some sexual aspect to it. Or maybe itís that I *want* a sexual dimension in my relationships with straight men. Maybe I feel that a completely platonic love is somehow a rejection of my sexuality, in which case, perhaps I feel my sexuality is such a fundamental part of me that I want it to be accepted (or embraced!) in my relationships with men. Is it like that for you?

> Mebbe. Di I feel that my T can't care about me because there is no overt sexuality to our relationship. Hm. I don't know.

I find this a struggle. It seems to me that any attempt to deny the sexual element in a therapeutic relationship is doomed to failure. I think it would make more sense to acknowledge that there are two sexualities in the room. I donít think there should be an inappropriate focus on it, but pretending that itís not there or that it doesnít matter is pointless, I think. Certainly the therapist needs to be sexually unavailable to the client, and maternal or paternal transferences can complicate the relationship. But I wonder if sexual unavailability can become a performance in therapy, and that it can draw attention to itself and undermine its purpose. In other words, pretending that sexuality is irrelevant just makes it more obvious. I think Iím rambling nowÖ

> We have only very rarely talked about sexual things. I do feel inhibited, but I haven't talked about it mostly because it's a can of worms I would just as soon leave unopened. Things are just fine, I am not unhappy. I just don't want to go there.

Fair enough.

> Yes, I will tell this dream to my T, if I have time. I see him once every three weeks, my entire family is descending on me in October, I have heaps of work - very high stress as it's for a person I haven't worked with before - and because of that work I've had to cancel my next appointment. I think there may be more on my palte to talk about come the end of October when, I am afraid, my next appointment with him will be.

Thatís a long time to wait! Yeah, you might find you want to talk about your family visit rather than your dream when you next see him. But I hope you do have a little time to talk about the dream because it seems quite significant!

I hope your work goes well.





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