Posted by Shortelise on September 20, 2005, at 16:56:28
In reply to Questions about transference, posted by Deneb on September 19, 2005, at 0:07:17
What happens to me is things like the following.
I go the the store, and the cashier does not acknowledge my existence. S/he doesn't look at me, doesn't respond if I speak, just pretty much ignores me. Doesn't thank me when I pay.
I feel furious!
Do I say to myself, hey, this guys having a really bad day?
DO I say to her/him, are you having a really bad day?
Do I ask if I said something to offent?
Well, I do these last things now, as often as I am able, but no, before, I didn't.
I would just seethe. I would say, "I would really appreciate it if you would say hello, at least look at me, and thank me for my business" in a very assertive tone.
I would feel I had been insulted, that this person treated me in the manner s/he did in order to be insulting, to show superiority. It was about me, not about him or her.
I try now to go to where those feelings come from, to stop and ask myself why I feel the way I do, where does it come from, what other situation does it make me think of.
I try to ask myself why this person would act toward me in this manner. Did I say something?Did I sneer or seem hostile. I don't think so, (but maybe if I say something very friendly and look them straight in the eye in a kind way, it'll help). Did the person before me in line hurt this person, so s/he is just ina state of "keep back"? Or maybe s/he is just a jerk and is so, what do I care?
The same when I feel hostile for no reason, or afraid of someone, or any knee-jerk reaction I have. I try to bring myself into the feeling and... sort of feel around in it to see what it really is. I used to be angry all the time, and hurt too. It turns out that those feelings are old protective tools.
Sorry if this is a little disjointed. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. It's hard to "be in the moment" and not drag other crap along, but I'm trying. Therapy got me here.