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Well, for what it's worth

Posted by Dinah on September 14, 2005, at 19:27:58

In reply to Re: Found out more - bad news (Trigger) Dinah, posted by Tamar on September 14, 2005, at 17:51:44

Which I'm reasonably certain is very little. That man is obviously having some major mood swings and dragging me along like the tail end of The Whip.

He said he was really surprised that I would drive what turned out to be nearly four and a half hours (one way) to see him. I asked him where he had been the last ten years, if he hadn't heard a word I said. And he said that he had *heard* it, but that was different than *feeling* it.

It wouldn't have been a session that met any organizational ideal for therapist self disclosure. And IMHO... Well, never mind. My emotional self is contentedly sprawled on an internal blankie, sleeping happily with one pudgy hand still lightly clasping an abundant bottle of expressed milk. I kind of like the internal peace so I won't say too much.

I filled him in on events since I had last seen him, then gave him the thread "For My Therapist" while I got in therapy mode. Because getting lost and being twenty minutes late is not conducive to therapy mode. Surprisingly, he started my session from when I showed up, not when I was supposed to show up.

Once I was nice and emotional, I let him know that I was angry with him for being willing to let me go. And that was pretty much the focus of the entire session. How ashamed I was that in the midst of so much disaster, my main focus was therapy, my fear that I'd lose him. But most of all, how angry I was that he wasn't like the control center for Apollo 13, saying that failure would not be an option, and that maintaining our relationship was something that we would work together to make sure happened. He said that if it were only he to consider he could do that, but that his family is also involved in the decision making. And when I retorted that I was willing to drive three hours each way to see him, and the least he could do was to promise to be there when I arrived, and how angry I was that he was being so wishy washy about whether he'd continue to see me, he said it was because he'd never ask anyone to drive that far. But that if I was willing to do that, he'd make the Apollo 13 statement. And he did.

While I was still in rational mode (and over strong emotional objections) I pointed out the major flaw in his plan, and he did see that I had a point, and left going back home weekly off the table after that.

A lot of it was explaining that he bought a house in the new location.

I have no earthly idea why I left feeling emotionally fulfilled, since basically it's even worse. The dratted man has bought a house. But he did say that keeping our relationship was as important to him as it was to me, even though I always had trouble recognizing that it was a two way relationship. Of course, I don't believe that for a second. But I maybe believe he meant it for a second, since he never says what he doesn't mean. I guess he was overcome with my obvious attachment or something. I don't expect it to last.

He hugged me when I showed up, and when I left. But that wasn't the part that I found satisfying. Maybe it was his saying that he was committed to making the relationship work (if I travelled six hours each time) or that it was as important to him as it was to me (however little I believe that).

Or maybe it was just that old safety magic, no matter the topic.

Sigh. I wish I understood myself. I shouldn't feel so good from this session. I really shouldn't.

But I obviously do.

Go figure.

 

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poster:Dinah thread:554430
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050912/msgs/555112.html