Posted by Dinah on September 13, 2005, at 18:26:41
In reply to Re: Thinking of looking for very short term therapy, posted by Dinah on September 13, 2005, at 12:53:04
He's planning to relocate to where he is for at least a year, and quite possibly permanently. He has plans to come back one day a week to see clients that, frankly, hinge on an unrealistic expectation that I don't really feel free to publicly explain, but that only my scatterbrained therapist could possibly think was realistic.
He says I can come see him once or twice a week as well. It's about a three hour drive one way from home too. Maybe more under semipermanent traffic conditions. Yes, I feel that I'm willing to do that at this point. But losing a day everytime I want therapy is going to be costly.
He says he's willing to maintain that situation for as long as it remains tenable (for him, not me) and that he can make no long term commitment.
Now I have to decide what to do.
Part of me thinks this is a good way to wean off him. Perhaps see him once a week, and see someone else once a week. And ultimately do what I want to do at this point, which is move to a city I've long wanted to move to. I have nothing, without him, to tie me to New Orleans. It won't be easy to budge my husband, and our house is probably worth a fraction of what it was worth before this, but I think it would be worth it. A fresh start. That's my brain.
My gut thinks that I just as well kill myself now and save myself the slow pain of slow loss. And uncertainty. And the ugly transfiguration of my safe place into a place of danger and constant uncertainty. I just can't bear to lose that leg of my stool. I can't bear to lose him and Daddy and Harry. And all I tell myself about how it would hurt my husband and son are just met with the implacable certainty that if I'm dead I won't have to deal with all that. Sort of what Daddy used to say.
There's no need to worry unduly. I'm planning to up my Risperdal to daily which should drown the plans of my emotional self. This really is a blessing. By doing this slowly, he's given me the time to do what I need to do to survive.
I will probably bring the posts for him, and I'll let you guys know what he says.
Again, my internet time is very limited, and will be for some time. So don't worry if you don't hear much from me.