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Re: Therapy is just too hard gardenergirl

Posted by daisym on August 27, 2005, at 20:20:19

In reply to Re: Therapy is just too hard daisym, posted by gardenergirl on August 26, 2005, at 14:43:07

> Humming is good.
>
> He said yesterday that the longing might never go away. It is so primal that there will always be times that it hurts and gets reactivated.

Although I'm sure this was very painful to hear, I like his honesty. And doesn't knowing this help just a tiny bit?

***Not yet it doesn't. Intellectually I get it. And it reminds me that he'll never lie to me, even when I want him to. and that is a good thing.

>It wasn't painful for her, she had complete confidence that I would wow the world. I was, after all, her daughter. She has complete confidence now that I can move from being a mom to being "so much more." She says I've done my job well, but I have so much potential.

Oh sweetie, what a mixed up message this is. You are already so much. You are already enough exactly as you are. Mother's are "supposed to" get that. I can tell you do with your own boys.

***I just wish my being a good mother mattered to her. Because then in some small way I would think she wanted to be a good one too. It isn't a question of love, it is about priorities. Kids weren't her priority. My youngest said to me today, "You spoil me." (I made him cupcakes) Then he turned back with his mouthful and said, "I guess all kids should have mothers who spoil them." Wise beyond his years, isn't he?

>Another ironic thing -- my therapist goes on vacation the week my son leaves. I said I'd be fine. He said he knows, he is just worried about me being alone with my grief (again) and putting up huge walls. I told him I had you guys. :)

Sounds like the concierge at Camp Comfort needs to get your room ready.
***I bought lots of kleenax and we are spending lots of time together. All of my friends are offering me places to stay and ride out the storm. I think I want to hide in the back of my closet. Curled up in the fetal position. Can you imagine my first session after vacation this time? Aren't you glad you aren't my therapist??!

> Mostly I'm struggling with struggling. I feel myself getting dragged down and tired and anxious. I want to quit, without quitting. Does that make sense?

Yes, this makes sense. It sounds like you are just fatigued with it all. Perhaps during the week off you can do some self-care stuff? Really just pamper yourself and recharge. Or better still, do nothing. Any chance of taking a day or more off work? When is the last time you had a vacation?
***Nope, not now. Next year, maybe.

>I feel like I sort of got past the huge waves of separation anxiety and now they are back again. I can't go forward if I keep going backwards.

I would hazard a guess that even if it's going backwards, you move forward quicker and easier now than you did before. Kind of like what my T says about projective identification. It pretty much always knocks you down when it's thrown at you, but you get better at picking yourself up and dusting yourself off faster and easier. Or so he says, anyway.
**Mine said that yesterday. He thinks it is a good thing. I said the swings are making me crazy. But we do seem to get back on track more easily. And he gave me his speech (again) about therapy being a spiral and how we go round and round the same things looking at it from different angles and at closer range each time. I swear, for Christmas I am going to find him a spiral to hang in his office!

>And I'm not the only person struggling, by any stretch. It is all fear driven. If I can stay stuck right here, on this part, maybe I don't have to sort out the dreams and new memories and new sensations. Not much chance he'll let me do that, is there?

You have the power in that choice, even if it doesn't feel that way. And I know that's not what you want to hear deep down. But it's a paradigm shift to know that you do have choices in this. Choices come with consequences, of course. So you might very well choose what your T recommends. But choosing it is important. Because it means you choose YOU. That's a big thing.
***That's what my therapist said about all this upset about cutting back. I wanted to choose what was right for me, not what someone else thought was the right thing. He seem to think this was huge. But you are right, a huge part of me is afraid to see that I have control because this means I have to be responsible for me too. And I don't like me very much right now. It's just darn hard.

> Hum louder, GG. I'm hearing only my own dark thoughts again.

Humming away.....

((((Daisy))))

***Thanks GG. For the hug and everything else.

 

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