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Re: Control (long) littleone

Posted by JenStar on August 27, 2005, at 15:02:51

In reply to Control (long), posted by littleone on August 24, 2005, at 16:05:42

hi little one,
I think I sometimes do what do -- analyze lots of little things ad nauseam, some things that don't warrant such analysis along with some that do.

You asked: "He said something that really blew my mind (even though I think a lot of you will be thinking - no sh*t Sherlock). But he mentioned one example where I would be very concerned about what other people in the waiting room think of me. Whereas if it was him in the waiting room, he couldn't care less what they thought of him. He said he'd be courteous to them, but not in an effort to get them to think positively of him, but rather just because he believes it is good to be courteous to others.

And that just floors me. I have a lot of trouble distinguishing the difference between them. To me, I would be courteous so they thought positively of me. I would also believe that it is *good* to be courteous, ie that would make me a good girl. But even that is about wanting someone (not sure if I mean the other person, or myself, or my internalised parents) to see me as a good girl. It's still about trying to control someone's reaction to me.

I'd love to hear your thougts on control."

I think your T and you actually DO think the same way, except that he "skims" the thought and you delve deeply into it. For example, the reason courtesy is the "right" thing to do is because it's self-preservation, too: When we all get along and grease the wheels of social intercourse, things keep going smoothly. If we act weird, out of place, rude, etc, there can be negative repercussions for us. By behaving politely, we ensure ourselves a smooth visit with no fights, altercations, or people to gossip about our bad behaviour. It benefits us to behave politely in most normal circumstances. Even if he doesn't THINK he thinks this, I believe it's a subconscious drive for all of us, the drive to fit in, belong and intergrate. So there is, in my opinion, a survival-related basis to EVERY social courtesy.

However, he might be polite and then forget about everyone after the initial exchange. He's done his duty and can get along with his business. Whereas you might be polite but keep obsessing about what people think, and worry continuously about every little gesture and movement. So you both worry about the same thing for the same root reason, but he doesn't dwell on it. His way is probably a lot easier and stress-free!

I actually agree with you about the car-park. I'm always thinking of repercussions and results. If I park in a spot that's too small, will people scratch my doors accidentally or on purpose as they open THEIR doors? Would it be simpler just to park farther away in the larger spot? I'm always trying to figure out the balance between comfort NOW and comfort LATER. But the only reason I'd worry about their anger is if it actually prompted them to scratch my car, not because I necessarily worry about their anger at being in a small spot.

I think sometimes it's OK to say "f*** them!" (not meaning any real harm, but meaning that you free yourself of excessive worries about others' opinions.) Try it if you feels good. :)





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