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An analogy of transference with a friend..

Posted by orchid on August 12, 2005, at 15:18:58

I had couple of email exchanges with an old good friend and it enlightened me as to how it feels to be on the other side of the table.

There is this guy friend of mine - we had been kind of close friends for 8 years now. I always liked him as a friend, but was never attracted to him. And initially he also thought of me as a friend - so we used to discuss general issues etc.

And then sometime a few years back, he had come to visit me, and we went on a tour - a bunch of us, and he was about to do some major mistakes in his life, and I was concerned, and I started giving him some well intended advices. I took care, because I cared about him, and went out of the way to think about his issues and gave him some really good advice.

I think it must have felt very caring to him, so the next day he proposed to me. And I of course said, I wasn't really interested that way, but we continued to remain very good friends even after that though he was very hurt at that time.

And he is in a different country, and couple of days back, he sent me an email saying he is going to undertake a risky business investment, without any experience etc.. And I felt very protective, and told him to back off, and gave him my reasons (which were quite valid).

And today he said he felt very cared for, and he was very glad that I had always really cared about him.

But in truth, I had forgotten all about him after I sent that email, and I was more focussed on my issues. And I didn't know what to say to him. He is still unmarried, and unattached, even though I got married a long time back. I always felt a little sorry for him, but I never imagined having a relationship with him. I just was never interested that way.

I feel somehow this is how it must feel to be a therapist - you give good advice, and you do really think and want to do well for the clients, but after the session is over, you forget about the clients, and you are more interested in your own life, and your lost love and your obsessions. And most likely, our therapists themselves must be obsessing about other people in their lives. But clients tend to assume that the therapist thinks of the client all the time.

Interestingly, this friend of mine shares the same birth date as my ex psychiatrist.. It was a funny coincidence that I will end playing both the roles with persons with the same birth date.




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