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Re: Therapy vs. Real Life (LONG) » antigua

Posted by Tamar on August 12, 2005, at 13:19:44

In reply to Therapy vs. Real Life (LONG), posted by antigua on August 12, 2005, at 10:37:01

I’ve had a similar experience to the one you describe, about having transference-type feelings for a man who isn’t my husband. I think you were very brave to tell him! Are you relieved or disappointed that he doesn’t have feelings for you (or a bit of both)? In my case it was one of my colleagues… fortunately he didn’t have feelings for me or it might have been disastrous!

Since you asked, here’s what I think: I think you’d be better off working it out in therapy rather than trying to work through it with the man himself. He might not understand what it all means to you and he might not have the skills to help you (unless he’s a therapist!). And it could have quite a negative effect on your marriage.

Sometimes married people really do fall in love with another person, and it can be very difficult. It involves taking a long, hard look at the marriage. But it sounds as if you’re talking about something else…

As for the question about female or male Ts… I am certain that I would never have developed the same kind of intense erotic transference for a female T as I did for my male T. It’s nothing to do with my sexual orientation; it’s because my problems with the combination of sex and fear only come to the fore when I’m with men. I can really identify with when you say about needing comfort from a man; I’ve felt that way too.

For me, the transference I felt for my male T was incredibly useful (though staggeringly painful). But erotic transference is not an inevitable consequence of therapy with a male T, and if you went searching for it you might take a while to find it.

Have you talked to your T about the possibility that you might really need this transference in order to make progress? Or even about the possibility of working with a male therapist at the same time as your female therapist for a while? It’s an unconventional idea, but you really do seem to feel you’re missing something…





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