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Therapy vs. Real Life (LONG)

Posted by antigua on August 12, 2005, at 10:37:01

Part of this is in response to Daisy's bravery at speaking to her T about her anger and love for him but I didn't want to hijack her thread. Daisy, you said that you knew you could never have these feelings with a man in real life. That's my interest here.

I know I've mentioned it before, but I have a female T I've been seeing for about 15 years. She is great, and has been very helpful to me. I originally went over the depression I was feeling about losing a child, but we eventually worked our way to the csa I experienced, but wasn't even really aware of. I still have yet to get to the "it" that controls my intense desires of longing and fears of abandonment. I know my feelings, I recognize that when they come up, they are a symbol of something that needs to be paid attention to, etc. They did emerge when I was terminated preciptiously by a male T and while I could trace them to my father's abandonment, I still wasn't able to work through them to let them go. Because that's what I need to do, feel them and process them so I can let them go.

These feelings only arise for men, and it has only happened two or three times where I long so desperately to be comforted, etc. My mother wasn't very available to me when I was young because I had a very sick younger brother. But she did bond w/me and do all the right things when I was an infant--my T says so because of my relationship with my husband and children. There were many abandonment issues w/her as I was growing up and I'm working on dealing with the hurt that she didn't protect me from my father and kept sending me out to others as I grew up. I don't know where I stand w/her now, but I am still the perfect daughter to her and I don't ever rock the boat. I have never told her about the csa, and it's not something I plan on doing, at least right now.

These feelings have recently surfaced for a man I've known for several years. My heart tells me I am hopelessly in love, but my head says this is just a renactment of my feelings for my father, albeit in another form. I have a realtively good relationship with my husband and I have never broken our marriage vows, and at this point I don't plan on doing so (primarily because I don't think the other man is interested). But I was compelled to tell this man how I felt, in hopes that I could process my feelings.

So I have two sets of feelings for this man--the reality and the fantasy and the line has become seriously blurred. He was taken aback (naturally) by my feelings but he has been willing to speak w/me about them. I know that I am attracted to him because of his similarity to the "good" father I had, who I loved very very much. At this point, I know this man doesn't have feelings for me, it's all very one-sided.

So I have two questions for you guys. Do I try to work through these feelings with this man knowing that it could truly be disastrous, or should I just back off, and take my feelings back to the therapy room (once again) knowing that these are the intense feelings we describe for our Ts, and that this can't work in real life?

Secondly, since my T is female, do you think I will never be able to process these feelings with her? The feelings have never surfaced for her. I've experienced transference for her when I've needed her to be the good mother, and that worked out really well, but I even told her the other day that I needed the comfort from a man. Why? That shouldn't really make a difference, but I can't feel these feelings in the therapeutic situation. We've talked about this endlessly, but we always end up in frustrated.

so let me know what you think,




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