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Re: Rediscovering the memories Pfinstegg

Posted by daisym on August 10, 2005, at 14:07:41

In reply to Rediscovering the memories daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on August 10, 2005, at 11:04:14

I think you are using art the way I use words. I put my fingers on the key board and just let go. It helps that I type so fast (90 wpm). Sometimes I'm surprised when I reread what I wrote. It's like I know, but I don't want to let myself know.

Yes, I have lots of explicit memories. I always have. But as we've explored these memories, the time and places change and what were one or two big things have become multiple events. And I keep getting younger, which is very hard to accept and integrate. One of the hardest parts for me is the memory stored in the body. So as I try to tell the stories, I feel stuff...and it is horried and embarrassing. And my therapist wants to hear it, witness it and help me take control of it. Verbalizing some of it is in a way conquering the fear of it. It gets so intense and painful when we touch on stuff sometimes though. So many of my sentences start with "Do you know?!" and of course he does. So I guess the anger is beginning to peek out.

Wrapped up and around all of this are my feelings about therapy and my therapist. The struggle between attachment of the younger parts and the wishes and longings of the adult parts are almost as painful as the memories. He keeps telling me 'vulnerable' isn't a bad word. I don't believe him yet.

I've managed a few times to get to a sweet spot of acceptance of his caring and commitment to this process. To sink into it, let myself need him without fear and guilt and to have contact every day. It is an amazing feeling that evokes such a tender grief of what I never had. It is fleeting but it keeps me hopeful that eventually I won't feel this anxious and torn up.

More often than not I think I'm doing it all wrong because it hurts so much. I want to quit every-other day or go in and talk about him, the weather, lunch, whatever. I wish I could control how old I'm going to feel during sessions. At least then I might be able to stay with something until it is finished. Do you have that trouble? I guess it is self-protection to move away from things and then back again.

Gee, this got long. Today is a hard day, so I'm writing a lot. I hope you aren't sorry you asked!
Hugs from me,
Daisy

 

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poster:daisym thread:537920
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050801/msgs/539953.html