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Sigh (long)

Posted by messadivoce on August 9, 2005, at 22:19:40

You know, I was actually feeling really good.

I'm engaged. There's a lot of joy that comes with that. I'm so excited and lucky to be marrying my fiance. I'm so excited to start my life with him. Planning my wedding is going to be fun. I think my mom is even more excited about it than I am. :-) I'm getting along with my family.

People say that planning a wedding is up there with the top stressful life events. Apparently this is one of the things that can make or break your relationship. It's not that I don't believe that. But we've been through a lot, and I find it hard to believe that this will be harder than other stuff. Agonizing through therapy, getting my degree, those things were work. This wedding business will be just play.

Anyway.

I sent a whole bunch of people an e-mail about 3 weeks ago, announcing my engagement. My ex male T knew that I was going to get married, but I included him in the list of people I sent the announcement to. I heard from pretty much everyone on that list. But not him.

I sent him a chipper little note today, asking if he got my announcement, telling him I'm having fun planning my wedding, and asking him if he will be staying on at the university next year that he's currently at.

He shot back a reply 2 hours later, saying "congratulations once again, and yes I will be staying on."

The tone of his reply, plus the fact that he got my announcement 3 weeks ago and didn't bother to respond, made me so mad, for reasons I just don't get.

I guess what I'm getting is huge hints that he's ready to cut me loose and not communicate with me again, even about major life events. His replies have gotten shorter and more bruising the past few months.

So I guess when it's over, it's just.....over.

I was so mad when I drove home. Mad at him for doing this. But mostly mad at myself for believing that he ever could have cared for me. Mad at myself for loving him when there was no chance that he could ever love me the same way. Mad at myself for trusting. And mad at him for terminating me in the clumsiest possible way, then making it feel like it was MY fault that I missed him. Mad at him for probably thinking that he has been right all along, and I've just been scrambling for the little bits of stuff I get from him. Me pouring out my heart and him shooting back a politely bruising reply.

It breaks my heart to think that he doesn't really want to talk to me anymore.

I'm trying to think of some appropriate non-fatal semi-uncomfortable thing to wish up him. Hemerroids maybe.

Actually, I just hope sadistically that some day he will hurt as much as I've hurt, and then maybe he'll get why I was such a crazy ex client.


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:messadivoce thread:539832
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050801/msgs/539832.html