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yes - TRIGGER madeline

Posted by Shortelise on August 9, 2005, at 21:17:27

In reply to Re: very very sad and tired shortelise, posted by madeline on August 9, 2005, at 19:44:04

I think sadness is part of the human condition. We all experience it, and for different reasons, do you think?

"Attachment" problems. Yup, had that. There were other things to be sad about, too. That every autumn started off with new pencils, paper and clothes, and still I was the same, nothing else was new.

Things I could not understand, that flew around in my head like confetti in a wind, and left me baffled and sore. Children do not understand things, and invent explanations.

Later, these things, these explanations turn out to be very wrong. These lessons I so carefully taught myself were false; these perceptions upon which my view of the world was based turn out to be no more than air.

To say that "attachment" problems is the cause of my ... sadness is not true. I have to gather that up with all of the others things, and examine them in toto.

My mother did love me, as did my father, in the only way he knew how (he did not abuse me) a way he learned from his own mother who is insane, really and truly insane.
Struggle, emotional upheaval, criticism -- those things are not love. To provoke anger is not to provoke love. To cry and cry is not to provoke love. To threaten to remove myself is not part of loving. Love is altogether something different. That is what I have to learn. To have the courage to look at the falseness of the things on which my experience and my own imagination had led me to base my behaviour and my feelings.

Madeline, ma pauvre, forgive this outpouring which has nothing to do with who you are and where you are in your "process". It just suddenly struck me that I am cowering from certain truths, big, nasty ones. The sooner I face them, the sooner I'll not be sad as often.

Not that I think I'll ever escape sadness. Sometimes, it's a very safe place for me. Other times, it's where I just naturally am.






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