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Sometimes a fly is not just a fly... (long)

Posted by daisym on August 5, 2005, at 1:06:11

Or so a wise friend told me. (thanks GG :) Turns out she was right.

Yesterday there was this stupid fly in the room during my session. It kept landing on my therapist, who waved it away but he was visibly distracted and annoyed. I could tell he was trying to ignore it but I saw out of the corner of my eye everytime he flicked it away. And we both commented on it a couple of times. I felt myself tensing up more and more, trying to pretend that it didn't matter and I kept going even though I just wanted to leave. Only I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stop, swat the stupid fly and then get connected again. I simply plowed through because it was what I was supposed to do, it was the polite thing to do and I knew he was upset about the fly so I needed to not be, I needed to not let it bother me. I kept waiting for him to explode. When I left, I felt so upset that when I got to the car I just burst into tears. But they were release tears, like the kind you cry after something really scary has happened but you survived it.

GG seemed to think that I identified with the fly -- not leaving him alone and making him more and more annoyed. I kept waiting for him to swat it away (swat me away) and she pointed out the enormous power he had over the fly. But I also think it was waiting for the explosion. Usually we are in such a controlled environment, I don't have to worry about his reactions to the environmental stuff. Sometimes there are noises, like lawn mowers or street work, but I can usually shut those out. And sometimes I can hear clients next door, hushed mumbles or shoes on the floor, but I've never felt unsafe like this before.

We talked about all this today. He wanted to know what I was afraid would happen if he exploded. And he wondered if the fly was really the problem, or was I was afraid he would explode because we were talking about getting and giving hugs. Was I waiting to be rejected? It was a good question, because that is a very hard subject for me. I don't really know what to think. seems that if a simple thing like a fly in the room can cause this much upset and disruption for me, I'm certainly not as stable as I want to be. I don't want to be so negative all the time, especially when I feel like I should be able to help it more. Sometimes I can't, but sometimes I feel stronger, like over last weekend and I want to sustain it. I told him all this today too. He said he thinks I might be on the wrong medication and perhaps that is contributing to the mood swings. He suggested another Pdoc, someone who might be a better fit than the one I currently have. I actively avoid her, so maybe I need to go see this other person. He also said that the up and downs were part and parcel of the work we are doing. It is hard to work this deep and intensively and not have it be disruptive sometimes. I know this is all true. But it is hard not to just think of myself as weak and pathetic. And I know he doesn't want me to suffer, but I still feel sent away overtime he brings up the pdoc. I left in tears, already missing him.

What am I doing wrong here?




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