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Re: new T going on vacation already!

Posted by Jadah on August 4, 2005, at 20:05:51

In reply to Re: saw a new T today; Yay Jadah Jadah, posted by Susan47 on August 4, 2005, at 19:29:36

Just my luck, the new T told me she will not be in town for a week. Maybe its good so I have time to process... maybe not, with too much time on my hands I can have a tendency to think too much and overanalyze. Sometimes I wish I never became a social worker. Thanks for all the support. I am actually kind of excited about going. I will give her a chance. It sounds funny but I feel a little lighter... some wieght lifted off my shoulder. I cant believe my secret is out. I told her about this forum and that I get support from you all, she was glad. I was disappointed last night, I usually see him on mon, wed, sat. during the day and evening. I saw him during the day but he said he couldnt come over that night b/c he had plans with his friend, whom I know. I thought it was good that he get out and see his freinds but did he have to do it on OUR night?? I wasnt angry, sad maybe... paranoid... is he trying to get some distance? I felt a little betrayed. I cannot show any signs of jealosy or ownership though, I have to go with the program... his program. This hasnt happened alot though, 99% of the time he faithfully sees me on OUR nights (How late he can stay varies, 10:30-12a. The other night I thought he fell asleep. I always wanted to wake up with him in the morning (will never happen). I was so excited, he looked so cute, so peicefull. I struggled with the decision to wake him... didnt want him to get in trouble at home but wanted him to stay. Turns out he was just resting. He is so good looking especially when he is resting! He looks like a little boy. When he worked at the agency I first met him at he always had "offers" from the female employees. He told me in the beginning that if it was just sex he was after he could have gone elsewhere. I dont want this to end... I told him we have a good thing going and that as long as no one knows and were not hurting anyone why stop? I know people are getting hurt though. It weighs on my heart sometimes. He told me last week that it bothers him when I talk about my boyfriend. This is where the roles get confusing. In therapy I could talk about anything, now I have to censor myself on some things and try to work it out on my own. I told my new T that one reason I am seeing her is so that I can get passed him and focus fully on my relationship with my bf. Let him focus on repairing his family too. If I cant make a life with him I can learn to truly want the best for his relationships. Its funny how the mind works. I could be totally sick from my cancer treatments but when Im with him I feel nauseau, pain.. I always said he was like a drug.. theres the anticipation of seeing him and wanting more, then I get the high when Im with him, following by the coming down and withdrawals when he leaves. Does this sound like most relationships? I fear that my bf might leave me in time b/c of my being sick. Dont know how much more he can handle. That would be just too hard to lose two people I care about. ok, well Im babbling. I could keep going, but I think Ive given you enough to swallow in one day. By the way, I am really trying to make the effort to be here more, thanks to susan who made me realize how important it is. Take care all!




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