Posted by daisym on July 28, 2005, at 1:15:07
I should respond to all the great posts, support, advice and hugs above but I can't seem to take it in right now. But know that I appreciate and love all of you for trying to help. I think I'm posting/journaling here to help me look at some of these ideas in a more concrete way. Please forgive me for the length.
I think one of the hardest parts about all this is how much it is effecting those around me. It feels like a sword with no handle, just blades back-to-back, cutting me when I hang on tight but cutting others when I try to hand it off. I want desperately to feel better, to feel more in control or to at least be able to fake it and hide it better. I've said as much to my therapist and he just goes nuts. He tells me this is how it all got out of control in the first place, planning without talking about it. He is still bringing up the fact that I mailed him a short note (it wasn't a good-bye nor an explanation, just a sort of "I wanted to make sure you were paid, I don't care what you do about the insurance, take care of yourself note) and his final check. He already knew by then how I was feeling but he said it rocked him. And a good friend called him and left a message that she was really worried Tuesday morning and he couldn't reach me for a couple of hours. He said it scared the "bgeebees" out of him.
We've been trying to narrow things down so we can look at what he is calling the "mortal wound" -- the one that is really too painful to live with. I think we sort of discovered it yesterday and we talked more about it today. I said it boils down to two sentences: "I desperately want to be taken care of. And I know it is never going to happen." I know this old and very young. This is the little girl crying for her mother. Intellectually I know that I can't undo, I can't go back. I just don't know how to stop wanting what I'll never be able to have. I said to him, "I want you to take care of me, to rescue and protect me." We talked about how I've got it all set up again - a re-enactment of my childhood with my therapist playing the role of my mother, only he knows I'm in pain. But he still can't protect me from my husband's anger and he can't take care of me 24/7. We even talked about how these suicidal feelings are now the new "secret" I'm living with, with the same kind of terror and embarrassment, wanting people to know and nurture you but not risking their horrified reaction by actually telling them. And then wondering how the he** no one can see that you are suffering!!
I lost it Monday night and stormed at my therapist. And then got terrified about having done that. Instead of being mad he said, "It is about time" -- sheesh! I asked him today if it was OK that I keep saying I want this -- to be taken care of -- and that I want it from him. He said he does want to protect me and take care of me, and help me learn how to get that from other people. He said it doesn't have to be "all me" or "all them." He knows how hard it is for me to not believe that if I let anyone help me, I'll give over all my power to them, all the control and they will hurt me. He is gentle about pointing out that he can't be there 24/7 and he worries about how much I'm suffering alone. He had some ideas about this, which I'm not ready for, but I was surprised (and relieved) that he is OK with how huge and completely irrational this need is. He is kind of cute about his cell phone, he keeps telling me it is on and by the bed and he keeps checking it to make sure he hasn't missed my call. (Yeah, I think he is worried.)
We agree that I'm mourning and that the trauma of not being saved by my mother is probably a deeper wound than the actual abuse. But how do you get over that? How do you "just" let it go? Intellectually I know all the right answers. It all just bounces off against this enormous pain. And I can totally see the transference, and I'm powerless to stop it. At what point does my therapist step back and say, "I can't be your mother, you have to get a hold of yourself and grow up." Wow, just writing that brings on the tears. Because secretly these days I've decided I'm aging in reverse. I was a grown up at 9. Now at 43 I want to be held and comforted like a 9 year old. And that just isn't allowed.
It feels like I'll never work through this, even though I've named it. I'm open to suggestions.
poster:daisym
thread:534630
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/534630.html