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Re: How are you , Daisy? » daisym

Posted by pinkeye on July 25, 2005, at 18:12:11

In reply to Re: How are you , Daisy? » gardenergirl, posted by daisym on July 25, 2005, at 0:09:27

((Daisy))
Will it be of any help for you, if you can turn your anger into your father, and not into yourself? Whenever you start doubting yourself, or feeling bad, or feeling down, or thinking about hurting yourself, remember that all of it does not belong to you. IT really belongs to your dad, and what he did to you. And you were just a victim.

For me, that was the key helping thing. To remember that my dad was the wrong one. (not as much as your dad did, but to a certain extent). I allowed myself to feel intense rage and anger towards him, calling him names to myself, asking him all sorts of questions from "How could you" to "Don't ever dare to do it again" - kind of mentally preparing myself against him. And it gave me a lot of empowerment, and after a while, I stopped feeling bad against him also.

Remember that, none of the mistakes are yours. You did not do any mistake whatsoever. All of them are done by your father, and that you don't deserver more punishment for being a victim in the first place. If any, you deserve a wonderful life and great love and caring and support. Not less.

> hmmm....that shouldn't be a hard question, should it?
>
> I can move away from the dark thoughts and get stuff done. I organized a whole picnic yesterday for 200 kids. It was great - they were so adorable and everyone agreed it was a nice peaceful day. And then I went back to the office and put everything away and sat at my desk and thought "I'm going to miss this place, I wonder if they will miss me?" My therapist is still keeping close tabs, though I ducked him somewhat today. We traded messages. And yet tonight I realize that I'm sad because I didn't talk to him.
>
> And that makes me shake myself. I think yesterday I really wanted him to TELL me what to do, to make decisions for me. I wanted someone to take charge of me and keep me safe. And he did give instructions. But I ended up feeling foolish about what I wanted so today I pulled inside again. It is horrible that I can see what I'm doing, and yet not be able to stop myself anyway. He suggested the hospital on Thursday and I freaked and backed him off. But I've been thinking about it over the weekend and talking to Falls about it. Besides the fact that one of my favorite employees in interning there this summer for an OT rotation (nothing like having your mentor committed, is there?) I can't get past the fact that I won't be able to see my own therapist. I feel like I'm being punished.
>
> This is really old, I know that. I tell the secret-- "I'm suicidal" and I get taken away from my family and I can't see the person I'm completely attached to. I can't seem to reframe this for myself. I think it is just too scary to contemplate.
>
> So -- I can't help but think I should have just followed through last Wednesday. As scared as I was that morning, this back and forth is much worse. And I've become a burden to several people I care about because I've shared this with them. I've made it someone else's problem. And I never intended that.
>
> Are you sorry you asked now? Sorry. I shouldn't be flip. I do appreciate how much everyone cares. It makes how I feel so much harder.
>
> I hope your tummy is better. (((GG)))


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poster:pinkeye thread:531402
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