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[trigger?] T back from vacation, rough session :(

Posted by GreySkyEyes on July 11, 2005, at 14:46:46

I'm so broken right now I don't really know what to think so I'm coming here b/c I don't know where else to turn. We had a rough session. My T was wonderful, supporting, caring but it was so very rough.

Not sure how to go about saying this and I am afraid to say it, but I guess it's necessary to understand what's going on. (Possible trigger so please be careful about reading) Right before she left, I sort of blanked out at one point while bathing my toddler - he was fighting me - and slapped him. Not too hard but that's NOT an excuse and it's so unforgivable. I just didn't think; it happened. There are a lot of postpartum/ mothering issues I'm having (due largely to my f'd up upbringing) and I seem to have occasional disassociation tendencies (plus anger issues; I'm BPD). I really didn't want to tell my T, which is the big red flag that I need to of course. So I did and now she's got to look into whether or not she needs to report me. :(

She's going to call me and let me know either way, and has offered to see me for extra sessions. She also asked how it would make me feel if she has to call. Well, I think you can all guess. I certainly understand that she may have to do this, but it would be so humiliating. Plus the fact that my husband would have to find out and will probably never forgive me. Although my T has offered to have my husband in so I can tell him in her presence.

I just don't know if I would be able to be fully comfortable around her ever again. Again, I understand fully but still I think my trust is shaken. I don't want her to lose her license and I know she can't make even one exception, but there's still that little part of me that wishes she could.

I just don't know where to go or what to do at this point. I hate myself. Go ahead and beat me up, I know I did a terrible thing and I deserve it.

:(


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poster:GreySkyEyes thread:526232
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050706/msgs/526232.html