Posted by Dinah on July 2, 2005, at 10:07:48
In reply to Re: I've been hibernating » Dinah, posted by Jen Star on July 2, 2005, at 0:17:43
At my special therapy session Wednesday, I didn't really stick to the topic it was called for. For the first time ever in therapy, I spoke in obscenities, expressing my rage at myself. Mainly about work, although there is more to it than work.
I was so sure that stretching my brain would help me work better. I was feeling so good. But in the end, I worked *less* than usual, not more. So that's not the answer. Going back to school is a time impossibility. So I'm sitting staring at the admission form, knowing I can't do it. Because I'm not getting my work done now.
I hate myself so much for that. Because I *can* do it. I've done it in the past. I can't blame anything for it. I just don't do it. We went round and round in therapy with my therapist basically saying that I needed to make different choices to get my work done. And me saying OF COURSE I knew that. But that the fact was that I didn't make those choices, and I haven't made those choices, and I hate myself every minute for not making those choices, that I'm terrified of failure, yet STILL I don't make the choices that would let me get the work done. And I hate myself for that. I just HATE myself. And he'd say that was unproductive, and I was ok, I just needed to make different choices. And it would start over. You'd need to sprinkle in a whole lot of totally uncharacteristic obscenity that is totally out of character for me, and not allowable on Babble anyway.
And...
I said something in anger because my dog urinated right in front of me in the house that morning. Then when I got home she had to go to the hospital. It didn't look good for her. I know most people don't believe in the fates. In fact, most of Friday's session was about my belief in the fates. But I do believe that if you say something you don't mean, the fates will intervene and make it happen in a way you really don't want it to happen. I tried to take back what I said, but I was afraid it didn't work. It looks as if she'll live a bit longer, at least longer enough that it won't be my fault if she dies.
I'm really not fit company right now. :(
poster:Dinah
thread:521566
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/522487.html