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Long rambling about csa **trigger**

Posted by pinkeye on June 27, 2005, at 13:45:02

I know why I got so extremely attracted to my ex T - It was because he was unavailable..and it resembled such a tease - to have a person who listens to you, cares for you, understands you, wants to be your guide, but at the same time not romantically available.. it was such an emotional tease.. just like my father had done to me.. he treated me like a wife, he was joking with me, sharing everything with me, using me as an emotional support, taking me everywhere, even mildly abusing me sexually, but not fully granting me the recognition of it.. and in my mind as a child - I got really confused and tortured.. I am doing this, I am doing that - so why I am not getting the title of a wife? And of course my mom was there, and it only added to the complications. Who is she? And Who am I? What is my role with my father - am I the child or am I the wife? Why am I not getting to marry him.. Why is he not admitting his liking to me romantically? I know he likes me.. but why is he restraining himself? I know he doesn't like my mother. He likes only me - but why am I not getting an acknowledgement and admittance? Why am I not getting the recognition?

I think the same issue happened with my ex T - I felt he liked me, he listened very well, he cared, and I even somehow thought he was attracted to me.. but he wasn't admitting it.. and he was being with his wife.. And I really didn't understand it in a level, because in my mind I was just replaying my dad's confusion. I never really thought of my ex T as married, or me as married either.. It sounds ridiculous but I think I never really grasped that he was married and I was married. That is why I felt so obnoxious when he used to address me as Mrs. Pinkeye. And at the same time I was aware of the marriage also -- it is really confusing. I thought he was restraining himself from admitting his liking to me.. and I was just hoping to tear that admittance from him all these years. That is really why I kept writing so very much.. And the more he resisted or didn't write back, the more emotional I got because then I was really getting the proof that he was resisting it right? Just like my dad? And I really wanted to make him angry with me and make him shout at me one day.. I guess it is also something I really wanted my father to shout at me for wanting to be in a way his girl.. And I didn't realize that I was just repeating the abuse. That I was setting myself up for the same pattern and trying to understand it.. That is why I had the intense longing towards my ex T - to try to make sense of my longing towards my father. I think it was not really because I loved him, it was only becuase of the confusion and unavailability and at the same time being such an emotional tease. I have experience it in the past also - the more unavailable a person is, I felt myself the more trying to get them.. (especially if the person is affectionate towards me - it happened previously with a married guy as well). It is only the combination of unavailability + emotional closeness that I get very attracted to - becuase of the same issue with my dad.

I think when kids go through csa, they end up getting confused like me. And they get triggered and triggered again and again to repeat the same pattern until they resolve the issue.




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