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Afraid of being happy? (longish)

Posted by spalding on June 23, 2005, at 10:51:18

Hi everyone.

I'll *try* to be succinct here, but I feel like a lot of things are happening and my thoughts are all over the place. Bear with me! :)

Both my pdoc and my T. say I'm making great progress. I've been with them both for 2 years, following my pdoc's diagnosis of BPD, which for me probably started around the age of 10. I grew up with a pretty lousy family and my T. says I "went through hell." Then it was wild, wild times -- very, very bad insomnia, periods of mania, periods of great depression (obviously) and various indescretions among other things -- for years until I got diagnosed at 35.

Some good things are happening. I have been taking Seroquel for quite a while, and my T. especially thought it was interfering with my cognitive functioning and was the cause of my weight gain. Now I'm tapering off of it and I'm losing a bit of weight and the writing I've been wanting to do is starting to flow again. These are things I have wanted.

(BTW, my T. and my pdoc work in tandem, so each one always knows what the other is doing and what the current issues are, and the medication issue was a big thing to my T. He worked with my pdoc who was reading about new research on Seroquel and they both came up with a plan for me.)

But I'm terrified of "happy." Have I ever been truly happy?-Doubt it. Most of all, I'm afraid both my pdoc and my T. will say I don't have to see them as often. (Truly terrifying - I have fantastic relationships with both of them. I could say a lot here but I won't right now.)

I'm afraid that I'll just become a bland and boring person who will just skirt the surface of things and not have a rich internal life. I'm just afraid of so many things that might come with "happy". I've never been there. How do I know I'll like it?

Thanks for listening.

spalding


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poster:spalding thread:517500
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