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Re: Very long, sorry.

Posted by Dinah on June 21, 2005, at 13:03:41

In reply to Re: Very long, sorry. » Dinah, posted by Tamar on June 21, 2005, at 7:55:22

> Hey Dinah! I was sneaking into Babble during a break from work just to read a few posts without replying until later, but when I read yours I just had to reply!
>
> > However, it helped me feel connected in a different sort of way than I'd felt connected before, and I actually asked if it would be ok to ask for a hug at the end of the session.
>
> Wow! I can hardly believe it! This sounds really good to me. Did you feel it was a good thing too?

I felt that it was a symbolic marking of a deepening in our relationship. And this was one of the rare deepenings that was initiated by him.

We discussed that today. He wanted to talk about what had happened in the previous session, and I told him I just wasn't as comfortable talking about things that have to do with him as I am about my own feelings. That it felt rude or intrusive to say that I thought he had made a move to deepen our relationship. He said he understood that it was difficult for me, because it's a more risky way of communicating than talking about my own feelings. And we talked about other relationships where I also felt that way. He said it was important to work on it in the therapeutic relationship because it could be generalized to other relationships.

>
> > He asked me what I thought. I told him I thought he'd say we'd need to talk about it. He laughed and said that if I felt comfortable asking after all this time, he thought it would be ok, if it would be ok with me. Then corrected himself and said it must be ok with me since I had asked.
>
> Tee hee. Yes, after ten years he should know you well enough to feel comfortable if you feel comfortable!

:) He had actually mentioned that he occasionally got the impulse to hug me (like after Daddy died) but that my boundaries were too formidable.

>
> > So I got my first (and probably last) hug. I had forgotten by the time he had finished writing my receipt and hugged me, so I ended up smushing my nose against his chest, which was embarassing.
>
> Ah yes: the nose-smushing hug. Commonly employed among people who aren't used to hugging each other and haven't figured out how their bodies will fit together!

Well, I can't see that we'll have enough opportunity to figure that one out. :) He's much taller and bigger than my husband, though. Daddy was tall. Not big, but tall. But my family didn't hug at all past adolescence. None of us. An awkward hug before trips or surgery perhaps...

>
> > And it didn't really feel as good as being emotionally held. So I don't know that I'll ask for a repeat. A handshake works just as well as tangible evidence that he is real, when I need that.
>
> Maybe the answer is to do the hugging when you actually feel inclined to ask, rather than wait till the end, by which time the feeling may have changed and you may have forgotten?

I think I'm just not very in tune with touch, in comparison with other senses.
>
> And yeah, being emotionally held is quite different from physical touch, isn't it?
>
> So, ultimately, were you reassured that he does indeed like and respect you? I can't imagine anyone not respecting you; if that ever happened it would definitely be the other person's problem.
>
> Tamar

I do now. (See post below.) Plus he was teasing me today. When I asked him if he minded that I cared about him so much, he said no and asked me if I minded that he cared about me so much. :) He's such a card.

A fair number of people don't like me at all. Most of the people I know IRL in fact. Maybe it's that shorthand we were talking about in that other thread. My clothing choices are eccentric, my grooming is less than ideal, and I'm overweight. Added to a persistently unusual viewpoint, and I think people's shorthand doesn't lead to positive feelings towards me. :(

My husband also doesn't like me very much. But he doesn't think much of most people, so I figure that *is* his problem. He doesn't even admire our delightful son as much as any sane person would!

 

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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Dinah thread:515914
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050615/msgs/516613.html