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Re: T called » Shortelise

Posted by daisym on June 21, 2005, at 1:04:38

In reply to T called, posted by Shortelise on June 20, 2005, at 15:23:39

(((Shorte))) -- You are not stupid and pathetic. You are hurt and scared. I hear all kinds of things but mostly what I hear is your therapist being "strong" for both of you -- he sent you out into the world and he doesn't want to make it easy for you to come home without really trying your wings first.

It reminds me of my husband and myself around our son. I say, "you can ALWAYS come home." My husband says, "but you will pay rent and work and pull your own weight. You aren't a child anymore and you aren't a guest." I think this sounds so harsh, but I do understand why he puts out those rules. And I also know that he'd be the first one to rescue the kid should he really fall on his face.

Tough love feels cruel. And I think it is unwarranted here, no matter what your diagnosis. But no matter what his motivations might be, however good intentioned, or what his experience with other clients has been, it doesn't change how his action feels to you.

If it were me, I think I'd go in kind of like this: "I can't presume to guess what is going on in your mind or what motivates your current demeanor. You might think you aren't being different, you might also think I'm projecting my fears. But no matter what you think, my reality is that I feel rejected and abandoned. You feel different to me. I've learned so much but I need this to still be a safe place to lay aside my emotional armor and let my vulnerabilities show. You don't see that I AM using all my skills out there in the real world every day. I guess I didn't know that termination turns you into one of the someones I need these skills for. I guess I didn't know that missing you was something I wasn't supposed to do. I guess I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to talk about my insecurities because you think that I'm sliding completely backwards. The honest truth is that I still want to look to you for refueling, compassion and a little cheerleading. I might not need to, but I want to. I knew this would be hard but I had no idea it would be devastating. How can this be good for me?"

I can't imagine what you are going through. My heart breaks for you. Please keep posting. We'll help you through this.

 

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