Posted by Tamar on June 20, 2005, at 15:52:38
In reply to Anybody secretly wishes your T would read here?, posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 13:44:32
> I have begun wondering if the reason why I wrote here so much in the past few months is a slight wish that my ex T would read here and understand me, and somehow will help me heal further..
> do any of you go through that kind of thinking? Is that normal or is it manipulative behavior on my part? I haven't said anything here which is not true, and I have been fully genuine here when I write, but still I wonder if the reason I have been writing here is this secret hoping that I will get the validation I needed from my ex T some day?
I definitely have a secret wish that my T would read here. I don’t know if he would recognise me; I guess he would if he read for long enough.
I don’t think it’s manipulative, but I do think it might be related to transference and wanting to have a relationship with your T outside of therapy. At least, that’s how it is for me. I think if he could read what I post here then he’d really understand everything about me.
> I know now that I will perhaps never hear again from him, and I am wondering by continuing to write here, am I still feeding the fantasy of a continuing therapy relationship with him?
Maybe a little bit. But there are so many other reasons to write here as well as the T fantasy! I’ve found it incredibly helpful to be in contact with people who understand what it’s like to live with mental illness (and my T, unless he’s ever been depressed or something, can't truly understand what it feels like).
The other thing for me is that I connect being understood with being loved. I want my T to understand me because I imagine that if he understood me he would love me. I guess what I wish for from him is exactly the opposite of transference: I want him to love me not because I remind him of other loveable people he knows, but because he completely accepts who I am. I imagine that feeling completely accepted would banish all the shame and disgust I feel towards myself. I know rationally that he doesn’t have the power to banish my shame by loving me with some kind of perfect and transcendent love, but it’s my fantasy.
Does any of that resonate with you? Or does your fantasy work in different ways?
poster:Tamar
thread:516036
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050615/msgs/516089.html