Posted by frida on June 20, 2005, at 12:36:55
In reply to Not Wanting to See T again., posted by cricket on June 20, 2005, at 12:24:09
hi cricket
i'm sorry you feel that way. I can relate to the feeling of shame- I feel/felt that for years, in relation to my T..feeling afraid I was too bad to be there sitting in the same room as her, feeling that I had no rights or didn't deserve her to waste time with me, feeling i didn't deserve to be there-
but i did look forward to seeing her because i still had hope...
i think the best is to talk about it with your T.
I told her over and over (in writing) about how I felt...
she knows, how hard it is sometimes to even ring the bell. And how hard to trust-
a lot of it has to do with trust (in her and in myself). It took me a long long time
to believe in my heart that i deserved to be there, and to trust..it was a horrible feeling sometimes to leave and feel so worthless :-(
It took me around 4 years- and I still struggle with the shame and fear.
But it has got much, much better.
the key was to talk to her about it, not to keep it inside.
talk to your T.. it will bring you relief...not to struggle with these feelings all alone..
Maybe you can write to your T if talking feels difficult?lots of support,
frida
>
> But then I get close to my weekly appointment and this terrible dread sets in. I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I practically have to sit on my hands all day so I don't call and cancel.
>
> I have never ever (not in 3 years) looked forward to an appointment.
>
> I know it has something to do with shame. At least that's the feeling I get. I feel like so much less than he is that I can barely stand to think of myself in his presence.
>
> Usually, when I manage to get there and sit in his office, not the waiting room, I hate the waiting room, I am okay and don't feel so repulsive. Not always though and the sessions where I can't squelch the shame are the worst.
>
> Has anyone else ever felt this dread? How did it ever get better, and how many years did it take?
>
>
poster:frida
thread:515984
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050615/msgs/515999.html