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Re: Daisy, how are you today? » Daisym

Posted by Tamar on June 18, 2005, at 15:22:42

In reply to Re: Daisy, how are you today?, posted by Daisym on June 18, 2005, at 14:19:10

> Today is a hard day. I'm trying to take care of myself and meet some of my responsibilities but I find myself sitting in my office, not working, just kind of sitting. I thought maybe I would write here and see if it helps.
>
> Yesterday was such an up and down day. And wouldn't you know it, I turned on Oprah and the whole show was about csa. I couldn't seem to turn it off (sorry Falls) because I was hearing my life come out of other people's mouths.

It’s compelling, isn’t it? No matter how triggering, it’s pretty much impossible to switch off.

> I kept telling myself, "at least THAT didn't happen" -- the worst segment was on forgiveness. Oprah says we HAVE to forgive to move on. I found myself screaming at the TV -- "HOW?!" *sigh* My mom called at the end of the show so maybe I missed the how part. She didn't make me feel better.

I doubt it’s possible to get fully into the ‘how’ in the short time a TV show has to offer. I expect it wouldn’t have helped much even if you had seen it.

My personal view is that forgiveness is overrated. That probably comes from my theological perspective, though; I find it hard to believe that forgiveness is possible without the repentance of the person who did wrong. However, it may be possible to make peace with the past. But I think that’s different from forgiveness.

Having said that, I think we need to forgive ourselves somehow. It’s so easy to blame ourselves and to believe we invited abuse. I think that coming to believe it truly wasn’t our fault is a kind of self-forgiveness. (And, in my case, forgiving my body for betraying me.)

> I have a good friend who is a child psychologist. Her specialty is attachment. She was an abused child her self, from her dad. She called last night due to an email I sent her. We talked about releasing the dutiful daughter who emerged when my dad arrived and how to begin to do that. She suggested planting a pink rose bush over her "grave." I couldn't believe the tears this brought out.

Wow. That’s a powerful image. Your friend is good!

> I think I still need that part of me to protect me. She insisted that I don't because I can't get free until I let her go. She wants me to be mom, wife, friend and boss. No more daughter. But if I give this up, aren't I giving up hope of ever having the parents I needed?

I’m not entirely sure I understand. Does being a dutiful daughter give you hope of having the parents you needed? Or does it protect you from the parents you do have? Sorry, I didn’t quite get what you meant.

> She didn't push, she knows it is going to take a long time. But I guess it was good that she is thrilled with my therapist, she said, "it sounds like he knows what he is doing. Most of us (meaning psychologists) can't stand the heat of the kitchen you are in and we get out." It gave me a lot to think about.

Yes indeed: your therapist is fantastic!

> Today is my wedding anniversary. It started with my husband announcing that he was in a very bad mood, he didn't know why but I should stay away from him for awhile. He said, "it is my turn to brood." I'll take that as a slap.

Ouch! I hope after a bit of brooding he becomes sunny and cheerful and properly appreciative of you.

> Tomorrow is Father's day. I want to sit in the dark closet all day. I didn't even send a card. I'm supposed to go to my inlaws but I don't know how to get through that. I'd rather stay home by myself. But that feels really dangerous.

Is there someone else you can spend time with so you don’t have to go to your in-laws but don’t have to stay home alone either? I know it’s hard to get out of doing the things you ‘should’ do (like visiting in-laws for fathers’ day) but on the other hand it’s very liberating to do what you need to do for yourself and never mind what the relatives think of you.

> I just realized how morose all this is. Are you sorry you asked? I'll stop now. I do appreciate the support. You have no idea how much I need it.

(((((daisy)))))

Definitely not sorry I asked. And no need to stop. I hope your day improves.

Tamar


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Tamar thread:514967
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