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Re: I will stay safe. I promise*trigger*(long) » pinkeye

Posted by 10derHeart on June 18, 2005, at 0:08:46

In reply to thanks. I will stay safe. I promise, posted by pinkeye on June 17, 2005, at 21:40:36

Thank you for writing this, for promising us, but even more, promising yourself. Make sure you remember how much we love you, and remember your husband does, too. Your T.would certainly want to support you if the thoughts of wanting to die become more scary or real.

I've stayed out of this thread. I struggle with what to say, because I know how triggered you've been getting. Trying to figure out some way to be helpful without mentioning too much about my own situations with T's, past and present. I fear I'm not skilled enough of a writer to do it. But I have to try to maybe give you what I see as a much bigger picture.

If it's any comfort at all, I'd say 95% of what you've written above, about what your ex-T. should have done, and what all T's should do and NEVER do - in handling termination is right on the mark. I feel like I can say that with some authority, because I've really had the complete opposite of what you're stil enduring now, as far as choices a T. makes on how to handle termination. I will NOT post any further details - I can't bear thinking of unecessarily hurting you.

I only mention it to be able to tell you - you've GOT it, pinkeye. You really do. You are right. When they do most/all of the things you describe, the client DOES heal and something really precious, resilient and wonderful is left over inside from that T's attitude and gentle care. Because you are so correct, so perceptive, so much a champion for all potential therapy clients out there, you could send that email if you wanted to. Of course, there's some risk he'd reply angrily one day, and that might be too scary to imagine. But, maybe not - he hasn't replied at all so far! Not suggesting it, just thinking that it's one way to turn this righteous anger outward, toward something, somewhere good and freeing. I hope to soon see you more free of this despair and more fighting for "the next step" for pinkeye.

The rage and hurt are at the root of so much. The suicidal ideation, IMO, often comes out of the progression we see (part of) here on the board. You feel sad and longing, confused, outraged, messed up, etc., all mixed in with a TON of anger. The anger just has no suitable outlet, so it goes inward. You want to harm something, hurt something (really ex-T and maybe your dad, sometimes) and it ends up with YOU - you are right there, and it's either impossible, or a huge conflict, to think of hurting T's or fathers. I know this pattern. I used to live it, too, over fear before a termination, and later other issues - but it was exactly like what you are writing. It ends up with us being able to *rationalize* (or should I say *irrationalize*) hurting ourselves as the only *logical* choice at the time. Anything to either stop this pain, or replace it with another kind of pain :-(

I wish I could replace it with warmth and acceptance and peace. I am praying for those things for you, pinkeye.

I don't know just how yet, but you are so smart and insightful, and have so much to offer. I feel like you should start a book or something. There is somehting in you from all this suffering and repeating of awful emtional states that is going to come together one day is a beautiful way. I really believe that. You'll be able to think back and realize you never could have_______[insert thing you are going to do in future] if you hadn't learned this stuff about therapists so completely and deeply the hardest way on earth - through personal experience.

I know. I know. When I talk like this, you must want to point out you didn't volunteer for this, and to let someone else become so wise through being hurt, not me. Not me. I have said that so many times. And I agree - sort of. But I figure, at this point, it's too late, in the sense this has already happened. We can't go back and fix his crappy termination technique. You can only go forward, to India, to working on your marriage, to even more support and learning with Babblers, to a better life you will have, to ??? who knows what? I know you are going to find your way. No one who works so sincerely and hard is going to be defeatd. Somehow, this is all going to be turned to good in little and big ways, maybe sooner than you think.

Maybe all of us - who've had every sort of T. termination from A - Z - horrible to wonderful, really ought to get together and write out our stories in detail, for possible collection into some kind of helpful book for T's and clients alike? A badly needed REAL - not theorectical junk - training manual. That is just one idea I get when my heart is (more often) breaking - or sometimes rejoicing - reading posts where the process has been bad, good, great, and all shades in between.

I'm thinking of stuff like this because I think - for you and me - we need as many places as possible to focus - to point ourselves toward and just take one step, two steps....less time for rumination and going back over the exact same things. Yet allowing us to incorporate them - especially the righteous anger - into something healing anyway. That way, we're not having to say - it was all useless, all pointless and for nothing in the rest of our lives. I'm probably being incoherent, but I hope you see my heart is in the right place.

Turning bad into good, pain into wisdom, sorrow into gladness, is what it's eventually all about.

I'm encouraged to hear you feel you might feel better by Monday. Hope it's even sooner. People here (me, too!!) find you a dear, wise, supportive friend. We really do need you, okay?

 

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poster:10derHeart thread:513813
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050615/msgs/514736.html