Posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2005, at 7:39:53
Maybe this is a little crazy, but I want to try to remember...
I met the therapist who had been recomended and made an appoitment to see her.
Over the weekend I started spinning out. I do that sometimes. But sometimes it gets really really bad. I get really scaired about how I'm feeling. And I can't seem to talk to anybody because I am in such a very very black place that all that seems to happen is that they catch my mood and I leave the conversation feeling worse then when I had started talking to them :-(I hate that. I hate it so much. And I don't know what to do to stop that.
Anyway. I got into such a black place and I was panicking and did the worst possible thing. I called her and told her I was spinning out. I don't know why. I don't know what I expected or wanted her to do. Bad move.
And the mood hung around. I went to the appoitment and p-doc had managed to phone her and talk to her inbetween my making the appoitment and my going to it. So instead of her asking me why I had made an appoitment to see her she thought she already knew because p-doc had told her. P-doc said that she needed to do a sensitive claims assessment to apply for ACC funding because the funding committee wouldn't look at funding unless other avenues were ruled out.
I didn't mean for it to be about that. I was going to pay her. I wanted to be able to talk to her and meet her properly and get to know her a little bit.
I haven't been sexually abused.
So I sat there while she spent a good 20 minutes on hold to ACC then had this really painful conversation of her asking for them to send her a sensitive claims form and them asking whether I had been abused and my saying no and them saying they wouldn't send the form if I hadn't and her saying they needed to send something to say they wouldn't send the form... and it got really painful and I can see why it is just so very much easier to say 'yeah sure i was sexually abused'. I can't believe the system is still like this.Anyway.
It got really painful so I just up and walked
And she started yelling
Really yelling at me to take one of her cards to give to p-doc.
:-(
It didn't go well at all.Did I stabotage it?
I should have been really trying to make a good impression.
I felt really groggy
She asked me a couple times if I was stoned
I said no
I wasn't.
I wasn't
But I don't think she believed me.I'm sorry
I'm going round and round
I really don't like myself very much sometimes :-(
poster:alexandra_k
thread:512463
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050606/msgs/512463.html