Posted by PM80 on June 7, 2005, at 11:32:11
I had a session with my T yesterday, and it left me feeling, well, not so great. One thing we have been talking about lately is my needing to open up and trust people. Of course, wound up in this is learning healthy boundaries. I tend to take care of others' feelings at the expense of my own. I need to learn to ask for help, and likewise, I need to learn to ask for what I need from others. Lay the facts on the table for others. My problem is that people I have trusted have let me down - 3 times, now, I would say that I have been very hurt by 3 someones close to me (my father and 2 boyfriends) that I leaned on emotionally and found that they let me fall. I opened up and found that it was a MISTAKE. My mom, whom I was close to and could lean on, died when I was 16 (I'm now 24). So I'm supposed to open up to people, and lay down how I feel, and trust them - but what if they are untrustworthy?
Ok, here is how the part of the session that got to me in a bad way went. I don't have anything in my direct possession of my mother's. I just got a couple pictures from my dad's house in the last couple months because T wanted me to bring it in. I agreed and I found that I really wanted some pictures. Now he's been asking me to bring something else in - somthing with some kind of sentimental value. Again, I agree, I would like to have something. But when I went there a week ago, I never went down to the basement to sift through things and get something. Part of me didn't feel like asking/telling my dad and step-mom that I was going down there. My T has said and I agree that I don't feel comfortable sharing my grief with them. He kinda role-played and suggested the words I could say to them. To tell them that I needed to do this because of where I am at in my life. That I am working on some issues and I am still grieving on some level. etc. But the thought of saying anything like this makes me cringe. Cringe a lot. I could at most simply state the facts and say that I am going downstairs to look through some of my mom's stuff. Saying anything about my emotions makes me feel like I am exposing a weakness to them. Like I am at thier mercy - and far more so to step-mom than my dad. Long story there, but needless to say I do not trust her emotionally. She really is not a bad person; we just have different and easily clashable personalities. Basically, I went to bat for her with my siblings just after she married my dad, and then she just took me out (not physically). It was 4 yrs ago, I guess, and I'm not generally a grudge-holder. I realize that she moved from out of state to marry my dad and moved into the house that we all grew up in (with my mom) so she had it really hard. But I just don't trust her on an emotional level. Now, basically I play nice and defer to her about all the little things that really don't matter, but ought to be sayable within a family. Like, um, i dunno, how much butter is preferable to be added to mashed potatoes or other stupid stuff that I would normally voice my opinion about. With my sister I could joke that my way was better if she were making them while she would joke back that not a chance, her way was better. Although to be fair to step-mom, I think she plays nice too in her way. But I am consciously trying to not make to many waves while I am visiting with them. My T would say that while I shouldn't rude or anything, I should not worry so much about their feelings. I can do my thing and think what I think and they will react how they choose. Okay, I agree in theory, but it will be hard for me to do this in actuality.
Wow, I'm totally babbling and rambling on.
To get back on course, I feel my T wants me to open up myself to an unwise degree. If people have proven untrustworthy, why would I want to trust them again? I trust some of my friends a lot, and I trust my sister so I do trust some people. I just really felt that my T was telling me to open up to people that have proven to hurt me. What if you tell someone what you need and the answer is no? Should you trust them again next time? How about a third time? Those are valid questions, I think. Right? My T was then saying that I left no middle ground. I either trust people or not, all or nothing. But I think there is a middle ground, just not the one that he thinks.
What is everyone's thoughts on trust and earning it and forgive but not forget and etc?
poster:PM80
thread:509057
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050606/msgs/509057.html