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Push Pull (slight si trigger)

Posted by littleone on June 4, 2005, at 19:55:41

In my last session, I raised the stuff about how I don't understand why he won't give back the knife he took (when he knows I have another one to use anyway) and why I hate him having it so much. Why I feel like I have to get it back (when I would never use that knife again anyway 'cause it's too blunt).

He explained that he won't give it back because that is like condoning the si. That it would send a message that it is fine for me to cut.

And it made me realise that the reason I want him to hand it back so badly is because his handing it back would prove that he didn't care about me.

But isn't that exactly what I *do* want from him? For him to care about me.

In that same session, I'd also raised that there's been a lot of stuff lately that I've written/drawn for him and he doesn't mention it at all. And how upsetting I find that.

And he said something along the lines of how he has to be careful about the stuff we talk about. I know there's a fine balance between support and digging in therapy. And I know that when he digs too hard I spin off into a fog. I go away. I always have therapy amnesia, but at those times I can't even remember stuff an instant after he's said it.

I said that I didn't like the idea of him having to treat me with kid gloves. He said that's not how it is. It's more like by digging too hard it's being unnecessarily cruel and damaging. I said that I'd rather he just say it all and get it all out there. "But it wouldn't be all out there because you wouldn't remember it anyway"

So I hate the way he has to protect me.

But isn't that exactly what I *do* want from him? For him to protect me.

I hate this push/pull. It drives me crazy.

 

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