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maybe it's all in my head

Posted by shrinking violet on May 30, 2005, at 18:06:34

I just taped a note, along with my rent check, to my landlord's door, telling them that I'll be moving by the end of the month, and telling them the truth about why...my eating disorder, the treatment center, my sister wanting me to stay with her out of concern, etc.

As soon as I taped it, I started to cry. Why does it feel like a "confession?" Something shameful and yucky. And I'm going to miss living in this area so much. I hope to come back up this way soon, maybe in the Fall with a roommate, but I fear once I leave things will conspire to prevent me from ever returning. And I really don't want to live with my sis and her girlfriend (I almost hope I get into this treatment center just so I can spend some time away for the summer and possibly lessen the time I live with my sis. How screwy is that?).

Then I started to think: What if this is all in my head? The crying, not eating, depression, etc. Maybe I just need to suck it up and GROW UP, and make myself find a job and support myself like everyone else? Maybe my "inability" to function right now is nothing more than my being a spoiled lazy child in an adult body? I mean, how do you know?

And I still miss my T, but it's better. I realize I needed her (or felt I needed her) too much and maybe it's better that I'm thrown "out of the nest" so-to-speak. It still hurts though and it's frighteningly scary (although the way it was done caused unnecessary pain, I think, and I'm still upset over a lot that we hadn't discussed, but again, I need to examine my own reactions and feelings and, if they are what I think they are at the end, I'm going to have to write to her at some point and share my thoughts with her, even if I never hear from her....but that's way in the future). But I still miss HER very much, and I think of her often, and what we shared, and how we never discussed it and what might have been now if we had...and I think all of that hurts so much more. And I'm so afraid she's already forgotten me, and that anything I might have meant to her in whatever way has started to become less-defined for her, like a smudged chalk drawing, and eventually time will wipe it away for her all together; that hurts the most. :-(

I just wish I knew if this "breakdown," or "hit-bottom" or whatever it is that I THINK I'm experiencing is real, or if it's just an adult-level tantrum? I feel like I should just push through it. I feel like I should just push myself to do things and deal with life, such as it is. "Get busy living or get busy dying," I guess (from The Shawshank Redemption). I have the other plan all set, written out even, step by step. Maybe I don't need any more "treatment," maybe whatever is "wrong" with me is just ME, and either I can live and function with it, or not....?

I don't know. I wish I knew that what I'm going through now is normal and real. Part of me thinks it is, considering. The therapy I've had I think has (successfully?) torn down most of my insides, and maybe the essence of who I was (or who I constructetd to protect who I was), but unfortunately it ended before anything could be rebuilt. My eating is a mess, my sleep is a mess, I'm isolating and depressed. But again, how much of that is because I'm letting it happen?

I don't know, sorry....I don't want to keep writing in circles. I just wish I knew for sure. I just wish things were different. I just wish I could talk to my T one more time.....

Thanks for reading/listening. I'm sorry for posting these silly rants of mine (I hate that I take up space, yet I let myself take up MORE space with posts like these....I feel like I annoy people with the way I am, yet, again, here I am posting a potentially annoying post.....Ack, I could drive myself nuts going back and forth and round and round like that).

Thanks everyone, just for being there.
SV


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:shrinking violet thread:505391
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050528/msgs/505391.html