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Re: Love with therapist: Anger, *trigger* Susan47

Posted by pinkeye on May 24, 2005, at 19:38:40

In reply to Re: Love with therapist: Anger, *trigger*, posted by Susan47 on May 24, 2005, at 19:17:33

I see.

I can understand how you feel.

I think there are 4 aspects to the issue here. I will try to say what I understand.

1. Your issue with your father. I don't know if you have had csa - actual or emotional or not at all. And the way I see it is, it is ok for a father to get attracted to a daughter. It happens - ok? Same way for a daughter to get attracted to their fathers. And moms and sons. There will always perhaps be a mild attraction to parents and parents to their kids. It is not awfully immoral or wrong or completely unacceptable. What is awfully immoral or wrong or completely unacceptable is to act on it.

There is a huge huge difference between the two. A father is also a man and he would be tempted to notice any woman's beauty - be it his wife or neighbour or his own child or his mom even. That part is not wrong. IT is natural. What is wrong is when the person tries to act on it and looks in a wrong way or not. That is wrong. But even that, doesn't make a person completely sex crazed or anything. Human emotions are complex, and often the person really doesn't have full control over his emotions and actions.

That is why I forgave my dad - for whatever inapprorpiate behaviour he had. He hugged me a lot, and used to ask me to sleep hugging him etc even when I was growing into an adult, and now while I realize his actions were wrong, I don't think of him as a cruel or pervert personality. I hope you can see your dad in the same way.

2. Your desire towards your ex T and your suspicion of his desire towards you and his refusal to acknowledge it to you and his terminating you and his refusal to acknowledge how it hurts you. - You have to understand that your ex T is not your father. You are not a kid to more than one person. Your ex T is a man - maybe perhaps about your age. And he has full liberty to get attracted to you. Again he is not even a bit wrong to get attracted to you. And without his intentions, show it to you. We cannot hide what we feel beyond a point. You have to give credit to your Ex t for that. And since he was a good T, he didn't try to act on his feelings. He probably understands your anger and frustration - but he cannot do anything about it since he was your T. He cannot come and tell you that he liked you. That he felt attracted towards you. ( I personally think it would be much easier for the client if the therapist acknowledges his feelings to the client, but ethics says no, and he would be trying to live according to ethics ). So again, he is bound to a code which he is not going to violate. I think he need not have terminated you, and he could have tried to help you more and be there for you more, but maybe he didn't have the capacity for it himself.


3. Your basic sense of ugliness and unacceptability. I have had issues around the same.. And I realized it is something I need to gain for myself. IT is not goign to come from an external party - if I feel ugly, even if 1000 men tell me that they find me attractive, I am still goign to feel ugly. So it is really upto you to make up your mind on what you want to see yourself as. Physical beauty is really not a definining factor in a person's beauty. I know tons of persons who are extremely ugly, but still have a very high self esteem and think they are quite acceptable, and have a very loving relationship with men in their life. IT is possible for every woman on this earth - irrespective of how they look. But it has to happen within you.


4. Your anger and bitterness and the way you perceive things -- From what I see, you have lots of it. Lot of us have the same issues you have - basically some form of csa, hurting over ex T and confused by their feelings and our feelings, confused feelings about fathers, and our self image and attractiveness, and whether we are an acceptable woman or not etc. But not all of us get angry and bitter to the same degree. It varies a lot if you have read everyone's posts. I think the answer for the anger and bitterness is to somehow try to seek peace and fulfillment in other means - music, spirituality, kids, other relationships, helping others. The better you feel overall, the better you would feel about your sexuality also. I think you might want to seriously consider some sort of spiritual activity.


4. The quesiton of why woman cannot initiate and why they should be passive etc. Atleast in weseter society, as far as I come to understand, you need not do it. You can by all means propose to a guy, and if the guy likes you, you can get together. You cannot get anyone by force, and it holds true for a guy also. But I think nowadays, no man is going to turn you down just because you proposed to them first.


I hope it helps.


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