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Re: Loss » Dinah

Posted by cricket on May 17, 2005, at 16:19:26

In reply to Loss, posted by Dinah on May 17, 2005, at 14:01:37

Dinah,

You said,"I'd rather have the pain and the connection, than have no pain at all and no connection at all."

I wish I could be that brave and strong. I am always running from connection, building up walls, keeping a vigil up in case someone tries to storm the gates.

But to make you feel better on the termination front. Today, when I sat in my T's office and just sobbed that I couldn't talk to him, that whenever I did talk it was one of the bad people (I guess I am pretty far along on the dissociative spectrum) and I never wanted them to talk at all and I felt so ashamed. Just shaking and sobbing all hour long.

He asked if I wanted to talk to him. I said yes, but I didn't know how yet. How to let me, what I think of as my true self, speak without all the others taking over.

He said, "I can wait. I want to relieve you of all pressure to talk until you figure out how to do it. However long it takes, I will wait."

Then he added, "for as long as we're both still alive and able to do this work anyway."

Which made me laugh a bit because neither of us are really that old and I got a picture of us sitting there with matching walkers.

So maybe not forever therapy, but till-death-do-us-part therapy looks like a possibility for me. So not all therapists subscribe to the "this has got to end" theory. So if you like, see what your T has to say about that.

Also, it's definitely not financial on my T's part. He is a fairly prominent major city psychiatrist whose rate is almost double what I can pay. It sounds like he's just willing to see me for as long as he practices just because it is what I need.

At the end, I wanted to tell him "Stay healthy." But I think I'd need some of your guts to do that.


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