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it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****

Posted by B2chica on May 16, 2005, at 11:27:05

Friday i finally said what i never even said to myself, and i'm ready to bring it out here.
i talked about some of the sexual things i was 'made' to do. by...a relative. not an adult (so it's not really CSA). but the threats were there, of how bad i was that i deserved the spankings and with the sexual things, that's what 'little sisters were supposed to do, i was supposed to do EXACTLY as he told or ELSE (and my parents confirmed it when i'd ask -do i have to do as xxx says? -everytime mother replied 'Yes, you MUST listen to him'.
the times they pinned me down while i cried as they did things, things that scared me, that hurt me physically.
and now...i feel worse that it's out to my T. he said it's common that it happens. he was polite and said he in no way meant to 'dismiss' what i'd just said but that it happens a lot.
so now i'm left wondering, so was that normal? all that pain and fear i had, was i supposed to have that? was it ok what he (they) did?
i don't understand.
if it happens all the time does that mean that my feelings about it are all messed up?

now i feel like my dirty little secret is out and i feel humiliated, sickened, disgusting, worthless, stupid and most of all, weak. i can't stand living with this secret out, i want to take it back.
i took a handful of pills this weekened and knocked me out for about 24hours. i guess i'm lucky it didn't do worse....or am i. :(
feeling really bad again.
b2c.



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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:B2chica thread:498472
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/498472.html