Posted by shrinking violet on May 14, 2005, at 16:03:28
In reply to Another pity part for me, posted by daisym on May 13, 2005, at 23:02:33
> >This is a bad idea -- trying to post when I feel so darn low. So I came home and self medicated with margaritas (probably a no no with ADs but I kinda forgot) and I don't feel any better. Things are so out of control and I feel lost and alone.
---{{{{{{{{daisy}}}}}}}}}} I'm so sorry you're feeling so badly right now. You are not alone though, please know that. I am there with you. And this is exactly the time you should be posting.
>> .... My therapist called back and said, "I'm not frustrated at all. I understand why you've pulled away and it's OK. I'll be here when you are ready." BUT IT IS NOT OK!
---It IS okay, sweets. It IS.
>> I just don't know how to let him help me. ... I did write a little last night. But all that comes out on paper is despair and longing...and I see anger trickling in. I told him that today too...in a whisper, at the end of the phone call: "What if the blockage is anger? It seems to be coming out on paper, from all the parts of me." His answer was simply, "Well, there it is." What does that mean? Was he expecting it? How can this be OK? I don't think it is wise to be angry at a time like this -- anger is not productive. And if I can't talk in therapy now, if I've lost my connection to my therapist, how is allowing anger in the room going to help me reconnect? I'm scared I'll NEVER be able to reconnect, to trust him with these dark thoughts and feelings and I'll be alone with all this. Again.--- Gosh I can relate to this so much. First, from my own experience with my (*sniff* ex-) T, I know that you can be in the same room and still connect without words. Sometimes silence is more powerful than anything that can be expressed verbally if both sides are willing to tolerate the quiet and let it sink inside in a deep way. Not an easy thing to do, especially for most T's, but it can be a great thing when two people are still connected without having to speak. And it sounds l ike your T is very open and connected to you, even if you don't feel it right now. As for the anger....(ugh, another issue for me).......True, anger can be useless in a lot of situations. But it is still an emotion and (so I've been told) all emotions are okay to have. That's why we have different ones, because the same one doesn't always fit in every situation. I feel so very guilty and remorseful right now because, like you, I've either let anger in the room with my T, or directed it at her or (a lot of times) she misread my fear as anger, and I think it hurt our work together a lot, BUT only because I couuldn't/wouldn't explore it. I couldn't explain it. I couldn't examine it. I wouldn't let her help me with it. So, yes, I think it hurt me and our work together, and I feel like now I'm being punished for it, and I feel so badly because it seems that other people end up comforting my T because all I ever seemed to do was hurt her. :-( But, Daisy, take some direction from someone who has been there and wishes I could take it all back and do it again: It isn't the anger itself that is harmful; it's what you do or don't do with it. Yes, bringing it into the room and letting it "sit" there without trying to figure it out may cause some temporary problems and miscommunincations with your T (or, maybe not.....it does seem like he understands your anger right now and is willing to hold it for you until you are ready to look at it with him, which is a great thing), but experiencing it in itself is ok. Give it to him, bring it with you if it's what you feel right now. But work through it, figure it out, control it. Burying it and ignoring it isn't going to help, sweetie.
I wish you peace and love right now. I hope you can feel it.
>> *sigh* I think I'm about to the point where I just need to shut down and stop trying. If I don't feel anything, at least I won't hurt. I guess I thought margaritas would numb me out. They aren't working except to allow me to write this sappy post. You don't have to reply. There is nothing really to say. I shouldn't even post this. I just, selfishly, want someone else to know how deeply I'm hurting.--You aren't selfish, daisy, not at all. Maybe that's 'why I post here too, even though that nagging voice is telling me I shouldn't be so inconsiderate. Please don't shut down......You can and will work through this.
{{{{{{daisy}}}}}}}
poster:shrinking violet
thread:497568
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/497748.html