Posted by daisym on April 28, 2005, at 1:27:30
The topic of therapy today was about what I wanted and how I thought I shouldn't want it and especially how I think I'll never get what I want. I want to escape from all the pain and stress and bad memories. I want to be protected and taken care of. I want my mommy to come and get me. Or I want to stay in my therapist's office all day.
Him: "what would you do here all day?"
me: "bug you."
me: "I could listen and tell you what you should have said differently."
He laughed again.
I said I was tired of making decisions and I was tired of trying to be fair and look at all the shades of gray about things. I wanted, in a word, to be rescued.
He wanted to know what that would look like - what are my fantasies about being rescued? I told him that sometimes I wanted my mother to just let me put my head in her lap and keep the world away from me for a while. Or better, I wanted her to go back in time and be the mom I'd always wanted, the mom who really would save me from the bad stuff. Or I wanted my husband to be well and able to support and care for me.
And sometimes I wanted my therapist to protect me, to take over and tell me what to do or not to do. I wanted to feel safe and cared for, kind of like a small child wants. I wanted him to undo the past and stop the memories. And then I rambled on about how I knew I couldn't have this kind of support and I knew the past couldn't be changed and you could never go back and get what you didn't get. He was very quiet so of course I got nervous.
"It was OK to tell you that, right?" I asked. And then I said very vehemently: "I know you can't rescue me. I know this. But I don't want it to be such an obvious truth today. I need a little bit of the fantasy." I went on to say that for me it would have been easier if I had sexualized my feelings for him, instead of developing such a maternal attachment. Because these feelings are so strong and complicated, and yet I know that I can never really be rescued. I can never get what a part of me really wants, which is to be completely taken care of.
He interrupted and said it was totally OK to tell him about this, and he was glad I did. He said he understood why I wanted to be rescued. That all the things I was telling him just led him to believe (again) that I didn't get enough care and attention to my needs as a child. He said there was nothing wrong with what I wanted -- which was to be nurtured and attended to and loved. And he added that he wasn't prepared to say that it would never happen. Because he thought it would. That we were working towards me gradually opening myself up to allowing this kind of care-taking into my life.
He said a number of other things that I don't really remember. I just know that I didn't intend to "reveal" this fantasy or wish today and yet it turned out OK. He validated these needs and while he didn't promise in anyway to fulfill this fantasy, he didn't crush it either.
We've had a number of threads here about attachments and romantic feelings for our therapists. I don't remember one on being rescued, but I can't be the only person who wishes this. Anyone else talk to their therapist about this? I'd love to know how you resolve this particular fantasy...