Posted by Susan47 on April 22, 2005, at 7:02:31
Sublimation: An elated or ecstatic state of mind.
Subjugation: Reduction to a state of subserviency or dependence
I miss my old therapist so much I just want to die, I wasn't thinking about him but then I always do, I spent almost two years of my life thinking about him he was the first thought in my head when I woke up and almost the last one at night. I hate myself for being like this. I hate that this happened to me. I don't know how it happened but even now when I haven't been in therapy with him, haven't spoken more than a dozen words to him at one go I'm sure, in almost a year, I still think about this person every day and every waking hour. For months, months at a time last year I was almost immobilized, I couldn't do anything without his presence in my head. It was terrible, awful, and I'm finally grieving I think it's finally sunk in I will never be with this person, you know? It's been sinking in for a long time but it's so slow because my need for him was so huge, it was engulfing all of me, I was being swallowed by my need.
It was embarrassing, because it felt pathological, and I don't want to be pathological. I want to be well, healthy. I want to be a whole human being, me, myself, by myself.
But I couldn't. I couldn't do it. I wasn't able to not have him in my head. I'd fallen, yes.. that's why they say "falling" in love, not learning to love or loving, also they say "in", you know? You put yourself right into this person, you try and pour yourself in, and they've already poured themselves into you, I mean, you've absorbed some essence of them that becomes a part of you. Totally, totally against your will, but also not so. There was permission, on some level, for me to want to love this person, this man who just felt so wonderful to be with. Or not with, not with really, just in the presence of, you know? I can't believe I let myself say the things I did. I've never said things like that ever before in my life. I spilled my guts, I told him exactly how he affected me. But why, why would I do such a thing? Why would I decide, finally, in my life it's my turn to say how I feel about someone, I don't need to be afraid I'm going to be rejected. But then of course I went too far, because I had this feeling develop, a feeling you're not supposed to have for someone who's off limits. And who wouldn't be interested in you, even if you weren't, and it's good that you have this structure in the relationship, because you would never want to find out the awful truth, which is really that you're not good enough. Which is where it all begins to break down.
It's horrible. Loving someone should never hurt. But it did, it hurt so incredibly much, and it still does. This loss of love, this loving and loss of it, you know, it's humiliating, really.