Posted by happyflower on April 21, 2005, at 8:47:42
This is what I wrote after my first EMDR treatment, when a flood of bad memories came back to me. It was a very emotional night of crying, but now I feel so much better. :)
Scared to Feel the Pain
Turn that obtrusive spotlight off me, I don't want to be seen, I want to hide.
There is no real me, just an illusion of happiness.
My imprisoned emotions are shielded by many impervious layers of self protection.
There are no winners in this internal brual war of mine.
The only death is my own distrustful crying heart bleeding all over my life.
The pain of anguish grows slowly inside of me corroding my organs with nuclear radiation.
These surppressed memories own me and if set free, will obliterate everything around me that I love.
Leaving only an empy shell that is easily crushed.
Should anyone mess with a dormant volcano?
It may erupt like a relentless orgasm that forces itself to be released exploding its hot lava of devastation onto everything.
But can anyone really stop the spew of acid from a fierce stomach virus?
Can't anyone hear the abused child's silent cry for help?
Just leave me in a castle's depirvation chamber to die alone so my virus doesn't cause a plague.
No light, no sound, no emotion, and no love, just like my parents cruel home of torture.
How do I cure my parents lethal illness that has infected me?
Reveling the venomous truth is leaving me paralyzed with terror and anxiety of losing myself.
I feel frozen in time fearing the oppressing emotional toxins that are poisoning me from within.
How do I recover from this childhood disease?
Can anyone really be emancipated and heal from a vile past?
Accepting the truth feels like my own funeral.
I feel so beaten down and weak. I need help because I can't fight this war alone.
Dying seems more humane than living with all my years of childhood pain.
Please help me heal myself so I can be free to really live life for the first time.
EMDR is like a suppository for constipated memories.