Posted by cricket on April 21, 2005, at 7:59:27
In reply to Re: Bad Session with T » cricket, posted by annierose on April 20, 2005, at 18:23:36
Thanks everyone for listening and responding.
I am still this morning crying over this. My eyelids are so swollen at this point.
I don't know if there is any relationship to fight for at this point. I'd be more than willing to give it another shot but I think he has given up on me and dismissed me.
I do want to tell him how he has hurt me though and for that I want to go next week.
I want to say, "Listen, there was no reason for you to allow us to get to the point where you have nothing but contempt for me. I know I've been wasting your time but all you had to say was "this isn't working," and I would have gone away without one word of protest. I would have paid you what I owed you and gone. I even asked you to let me know when it wasn't working, the one thing I think I have ever asked for.
But instead you let it get to the point where you can't stand me, where you say cruel things that you must know aren't true - you're an efficient machine, you're daring me, it's all a game to you, you don't want to work at this, you expect everything to be perfect.
If there was any testing at all, it was simply to wait and see if you thought there was anything inside of me worth your time and energy. You know that I don't think that there is, so I was waiting for your judgment before I said too much.
I'm not blaming you. I know that I never paid you enough. I know that your time with me has probably been exhausting. I just think that you could have stopped this in a way that hurt me a lot less."
Ugh, I don't think that I can say all that. And I can't possibly imagine going to sit on that couch again. It would be easier just to send it to him in a letter with his final payment.
But then he wouldn't see the hurt in my face, my eyes if I just wrote to him and I think for his own sake, and for the sake of any future difficult clients, he should see that.
Why can't I get over this?